Posted by kara lynne on July 13, 2003, at 0:59:12
In reply to I lost my temper and probably a friend., posted by kara lynne on July 13, 2003, at 0:35:35
So I guess what I'm discovering is that you really are not ever allowed to lose your temper. I have been struggling with this for a long time: if someone does something that pisses you off, and you're justified in being angry, are you allowed, supposed, to show it? Is there ever an appropriate expression of anger--does anyone have such a handle on it that they are aware of what they're feeling and able to process it objectively as it's happening? Sometimes I have found it empowering in small doses, like if someone is just counting on my being "nice", but I have an honest reaction and it makes them scramble--appropriately. Instead of me having to scramble my brains from it.
But tonight I think that really, I should have just felt the anger, sucked it in and had better control, quietly gotten off the phone and gone and hurt myself even more with my anger. Because in the end all I feel is enormous guilt now, plus the rage I still feel that she told him anything. There was an initial, physical release. I could actually feel lightening in my stomach and solar plexus after I said what I meant.
But a few minutes go by and I think what a complete shmuck I was, she was doing me a frigging FAVOR, what a snotty bi#$% I was to lose my temper.
In my family my justified anger got me villified, so whatever anyone had done to make me angry could be overshadowed by the fact that my anger was bad and wrong. Then of course I could go incur a major, lifelong depression with a constant, nagging desire to kill myself instead. Or at least say those words like a drone inside my head, almost like they were'nt mine, because they weren't really. It was anger, justified, turned against myself.
No where to go with this except to sleep.
poster:kara lynne
thread:241365
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030704/msgs/241372.html