Posted by yesac on June 22, 2003, at 12:25:59
After almost 2 weeks (!) of feeling relatively okay as compared to usual, I started feeling badly again this weekend. Stupid things bringing me down.
One is my roomate, who ruined my good feeling yesterday by her harsh snippy comments. It probably wouldn't have been that big of a deal if I wasn't so fricken (I think this word is okay?) sensitive!! But it hurt my feelings. Also, because I'm too timid to say anything back or really defend myself. Since I feel like things have more or less gone downhill with this roomate over the past few months, I now can't wait for her to move out. She and my other roomate are moving out at the end of July, and I'll be getting two new roomates. But I worry.... will I ever be able to not feel uneasy/uncomfortable with roomates? I wish I could live alone but I can't afford it, and don't see this changing any time soon. It's so depressing to me that I have this stressor in my life, the thought that I might never feel truly comfortable in my own home.
I just feel like this mild-ish form of social phobia is kind of ruining my life and adding all kinds of unnecessary stress and fear all the time!
I feel depressed because the first drug that seems to help me (lamictal) is making me gain weight, and I can't stand it. I feel like I want to quit drugs altogether, because they don't work for me, cause weight gain, headaches, sweating, insomnia, tiredness.... But, let's be realistic here, giving up on drugs is just a very bad idea for me. Today I feel kind of zonked out - I think it might have something to do with increasing my dose of trazodone to sleep. I used to take only 50mg for a long time, but over the past month I've been taking 150mg, which seems to be okay. The past few nights I've taken 225mg. I do this because I want to ensure that I can sleep, since sleep is basically my only real reprieve from the horrible-ness of my life.
Also, today, for some reason as I was laying in bed not sleeping but not wanting to get up, I started freaking out about not getting in to grad school. I am so obsessed with this. And it started to really depress me. I know that I will be totally devastated if I don't get in next year (I will be applying this fall for the following fall).
And then I was trying to read, and getting depressed about my inability to read these days (well this whole year actually). I realized that since January 1st, I have only read about 3 whole books. There have been about 5 more that I started but couldn't get through. The ones that I have read have all been very "light" and easy. I used to read quite a lot so this is a real problem for me. And it certainly isn't because of lack of time! And I'm depressed that here I am on a very nice day, as well as most other weekends, spending my time online in the lab (where I work). It seems so pathetic. I see others outside running all the time, walking their dogs, cars heading to the beach or mountains.... having a great time. And here I am living this peripheral life not having any fun. And I probably wouldn't be able to have much fun if I was doing those things. Except that it would help satisfy my constant need for "accomplishment".
I'm depressed because I feel really out of shape and lazy. I don't feel "fatigued" exactly, just a strong lack of energy. I have been in good shape at times in my life, but now I just keep planning to join the gym but haven't mustered up the motivation and keep coming up with excuses to wait (for a long time it was that I needed to study for my GRE, but now that's over).
My suicidal thoughts, which have been pretty much gone for about a month or so, have returned this weekend.
Anyways. It just sucks. I hate this. When will it ever end and I will be okay for any real length of time?
poster:yesac
thread:236020
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030617/msgs/236020.html