Posted by kara lynne on June 3, 2003, at 1:06:52
Today I was in a gift shop and noticed the two girls working there eyeing me like I was going to steal something. I don't steal. But the longer I stayed the more I began to feel guilty and uncomfortable and watched. After purchasing a couple of things (in large part to show that I don't steal--smart, huh?) I started on my way walking back. I was out for a walk and my car was a couple of miles away.
Eventually I walked down a street where a small white puppy came running up enthusiastically to greet me. I bent down to pet it and its owner came storming over muttering how she "hated that dog". I said, "Don't hate your dog." She then leaned down and began yelling at dog at the top of her lungs to get back in the house. I said, "Don't yell at your dog." She told me it was none of my business to tell her that. I said if it was in my path it was in my business, and that it was a public street. Her daughter came out and said (I think--I was walking away) not to talk to her mom like that. I then said, "I will tell anyone I want not to scream at their dog, and if I have to I'll call the ***n humane society." They screamed after me and I continued walking back to my car, shaking, and feeling like a deranged homeless person.
I feel like I'm on the verge of edgy behavior. I wanted to confront the people at the store, and say something provocative because they were being so ridiculous. Maybe I shouldn't have said anything to the dog-woman, but I feel I almost could have swung at her if we had kept it up. Looking back (I walk the same route a lot) I remember hearing a lot of very voluble arguing coming from that house and now I can see why.Tonight my boyfriend (strange, foreign, inappropriate usage of that word) is out with over the top beautiful people. People who are not only out of my league, but in a league I'm not sure I'd ever want to be in. Yet I feel myself going into a huge distortion, fantasizing about all the brilliance and beauty and sexual vibes going on between them all. No longer does it matter that he gives me nothing, that the relationship is dying, my entire reality is funneled into this threatening little scenario that I've blown into a full scale orgy at this point. Replete with lesbian chic actresses and genius artists whose work I should always have more to say about but can't ever seem to.
My boyfriend says I dont' care enough about his work. I guess I should have been by his side this weekend, and holding his hand at these dinners to stave off the exotic models. But if he's gone back on his word to me about almost everything that was supposed to happen in this relationship, if he doesn't do anything to make it better between us despite my efforts, I find it hard to.
And yet there's that niggling voice telling me if only I were just that perfect enough woman... Even if I can't be some vampy, 5'9" tall, larger than life woman out of a Roger Rabbit cartoon, if I were just perfect enough in other ways then it would all work out.
So I think I'm becoming mildly psychotic. I feel like I have no anchor. No therapist, no boyfriend, no pdoc, and not much tolerance left for dog hating women I see on my walks.
My sense of self is so fragile that it just evaporates into an expectation, or a fear. (This is so attractive to men.)
How do I make myself more important? What am I missing? How could I go to dinner when I couldn't get through an office job today without crying in the bathroom?
Apologetic and desperate,
KaraLet's see, he's not home yet, it's 10:53...
poster:kara lynne
thread:231001
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030517/msgs/231001.html