Posted by WorryGirl on May 14, 2003, at 18:35:02
In reply to Re: Why? » WorryGirl, posted by Dinah on May 14, 2003, at 17:48:30
> I think what you're feeling is what we all feel from time to time, or even consistently. :)
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> I know there are times when I write a post, then Mair or Noa or Tabitha or Gabbi or Shar, or one of the many sensitive intuitive and clever posters come after me and write what I wish I had written. And my post seems like a stupid waste of server space. I am so embarassed at posting drivel.I could add to your list many more - yourself, white rabbit, jyl, leeran, and so on. But you know, I have learned from these intelligent people even if they may not have learned much of value from me. So I choose to view reading their words as a gift. But when reading some of these inspiring words I feel compelled to respond to them, and I guess if I don't receive a response, I feel like a failure. Thank you for reminding me that I'm not, and for always responding to my posts (if you haven't I don't remember - you seem to be responsive to everyone, and that takes a lot of emotional/mental energy). And some of these wise people may not view me as a failure - I'm the one labelling myself, not them.
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> Or I'll be the thread ender. Or worst of all, someone will be offended by something I say. And I'll feel like the most miserable bad girl to ever draw breath. I have a rather quick bad girl trigger.I couldn't imagine anyone being offended by you, but if you inadvertantly did, I'm sure the feathers didn't stay ruffled.
> I think those feelings tend to be common with those of us who are sensitive to nuance. Sometimes we're a bit too sensitive, if you know what I mean. And it's also a part of our conditions. Depression leads to negative feelings about ourselves. Anxiety causes us to judge ourselves harshly. But those feelings don't necessarily reflect reality.
>I know this is true. But my reality is based upon how other respond to me (or don't) or how I perceive it, whether it is accurate or not
I need to change my perception of reality. Will drugs do this?> As to whether you should stay or go? I certainly hope you stay. But I can only share with you what I have decided to think, after an inordinate number of therapy sessions devoted to this board.
>> There may be posters who have something wiser and wittier to say about any or all subjects than what I might contribute. But that doesn't mean that what I say isn't valuable anyway. It's not a competition, and my post isn't necessarily a waste of server space. It's not possible to know what comment will touch or move someone, or make them think.
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> If I get no responses to what I say, it's not necessarily because I was so idiotic that no one can possibly respond. People might be caught up in their own problems, the topic might be exhausted, or my post might not have sparked anything new to say. And that's ok.
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> When I'm feeling thick and stupid, when I'm having problems myself, the words may have a hard time working their way through the sludge of my mind. Maybe I can't contribute at all, or maybe a no message one line post of support is all I can offer. Maybe a thick headed stupid post is all I can offer. But if I offer it with the intent to help, or to support, maybe that intent will come through, and maybe that intent will be enough in itself. That's an important one for me, because sometimes my mind feels quick and free, but sometimes it feels thick and dull. I tend to judge myself harshly. Maybe my judgements are correct, maybe they aren't.
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I feel that way, too.> Finally, if I post something that probably would have been better left unposted, I apologize. If I post something that is misinterpreted, I try to figure out what happened. It doesn't necessarily mean I've been bad.
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> Now I'm not saying that any of these apply to your actual posts, but perhaps they apply to how you think about your posts. I'm just describing what I've decided to feel about how I see my own posts.
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This does pretty much apply to my posts, as well.
I am hard on myself; most people probably are. If there's a heaven and I'm in it, do you know what I hope for?
Conversational wit and a superb singing voice. I could even sing and talk to myself and enjoy listening!> And you know, sweetness is every bit as wonderful a quality as "attitude" is. Sweet is valuable. Sweet is worthwhile. If you can claim sweetness for yourself, you should hold your head high and be proud. It's not that common a quality, you know.
I don't want you to get the idea that I'm all "sweetness and light". I have been a real b**** to my husband on occasion (because I feel so comfortable with him). But I have a hard time expressing my anger to others - I seem incapable of it, and if I were to, it would probably be very explosive and unpleasant. I think that people with "attitude" have mastered the ability to channel their anger into this attitude using appropriate wit and/or sarcasm when necessary.
When that song "Gotta Be" first came out I remember thinking that would be the perfect kind of person to be - the kind of person that song personifies. But maybe with just a little extra sugar on the top?Thanks again, Dinah. :)
I choose to stay, but may just do more reading than posting for a while after this thread.
poster:WorryGirl
thread:226613
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030506/msgs/226652.html