Posted by Dinah on May 4, 2003, at 14:18:40
In reply to The morning after . . . » Dinah, posted by leeran on May 4, 2003, at 12:21:17
A symbolic dream about your mother? Verrrry interesting. :) You're starting your therapy without a therapist. (grin)
I don't think I can separate out the amount of time it took me to get to first the realization, and second the ability to verbalize it from my entire time in therapy. I'm kind of like rock. Water has to drip slowly on me over time in order to leave an impression. My therapist probably started dripping these ideas on me at the beginning but it took a while to wear me down.
He finally said it in enough different ways in enough different situations that I started to believe what he said. I wasn't responsible for keeping my family together. It wasn't my duty, it was the role they assigned me in their family drama. I wasn't in a position of control smoothing things over and keeping the peace as much as I was a puppet responding to their games.
Saying it was not all that hard once I realized it. Saying it well was harder. A lot of times I just hang up and say I refuse to discuss it. Last night I was very still and allowed the words to say come to me. And I not only managed to convey my attitude, but actually got my mom to agree with it. She admitted that it wasn't fair to put me in the middle of disagreements between her and my dad and my brother that didn't involve me. That I was the child of both of them and what they did with one another was their business, and I wanted to maintain a good relationship with both of them. That meant that I wouldn't listen to my father say bad things about her or my brother or her say bad things about my father. That was theirs to deal with. And she said I was right and she understood!!!! Now my dad still gets angry, but hey, one out of two is not bad.
My therapist is a genius.
poster:Dinah
thread:224133
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030426/msgs/224264.html