Posted by leeran on April 13, 2003, at 5:16:12
In reply to Lonely, posted by Miller on April 13, 2003, at 1:47:00
Miller,
I'm very new here. That said, I hope you won't think I'm butting in.
Your feelings come through (in your post) as so sincere that I can't imagine that your husband won't feel/see the same thing.
Gosh, would you be able to write those same words (edited somewhat) in a card so he could read with his own eyes how devoted you are to him and to your marriage?
I understand your concerns that your depression has isolated you from him but the fact that you can see that and want to repair any possible damage really seems to be a step in the right direction.
I am on my third marriage (I never can believe those words - even when I see them in front of me after just typing them). My first marriage lasted thirteen years and it was so empty. My second marriage was just a crazy mid-life mistake that lasted all of fifteen months..
I am now married to the person I feel I was intended to find and make a life with. We've been married almost four years and unlike the other marriages this one gets continually better - versus spiraling downward.
This all sounds rosy, doesn't it? And it is. However, a little over a year ago we had a very devastating blow when the firm he was working for let him go without any notice. Little did we know that he was the first to go and other directors would soon follow because they were on the brink of going out of business (and did go out of business six months later).
This was such a shock to my husband, who is one of the most conscientious, hard-working people I have ever met. It was a shock to me as well, because for the first time in my life I wasn't the major breadwinner and was more or less enjoying a big sigh of relief by working at home and being able to be "semi-retired." I felt like the wind had been totally knocked out of me and so did he.
Quite honestly, it could have been a "deal breaker" in that the stress was so intense at times. Neither of my previous marriages would have been solid enough to withstand such a crisis. In retrospect, it doesn't seem as horrid as it did at the time - but for me, after making a decent income for years and being so independent I suddenly felt almost betrayed (I know - it sounds incredibly selfish of me, and it was).
My point in telling you this is that during this crisis there were times when I shut my husband out completely (something I'm not proud of). I don't handle stress well at all and suddenly all the security and safety I had felt with him seemed nonexistent.
Fortunately, a knock is sometimes a boost and it turns out that he is now with a far better and much more successful firm and because the firm that let him go was still somewhat solvent, he was one of the few that actually received severance pay.
Had someone asked me during that time period if we would survive that kind of stress so early in our marriage I probably would have said "no."
But, we did.
The stress did create a lot of distance but that distance can be conquered. We were able to bridge the distance in less time than you would think.
Miller, I don't think it is too late to save what you have.
You know how everyone was writing the ten good things about the day (above)? I think you wrote a list as well (I'm remembering cat treats?).
I'm a big "list maker" – usually endless lists of things I have to do, but just writing that list of things that made today (or now, yesterday) a good day actually seemed to make my day a big brighter.
What if you wrote a list of the ten things that made your marriage so good - then leave room for another column to make notes about what is still good, what needs improving, etc.
You can create a one page game plan right on paper and once you've got it written down, who knows, you may find that it doesn't seem like such an insurmountable task.
Do you like to read? As I get older I really prefer magazines (an attention span thing with me - sad, since one of my majors was English) but one book I've read that's very inspiring is called "Only Love is Real" by Brian L. Weiss, M.D.
You can probably read about it on Amazon if you're interested.
The basic premise is that soul mates have a driving need to find one another. It’s supposedly based on the true story of two patients that this psychiatrist saw separately.
It's a very inspiring love story and I remember feeling great hope after reading it several years ago.I can easily see that you have great love for your husband. You showed me, just a casual observer, with your heartfelt words that this person means the world to you. If I could see it - a stranger sitting here at another computer in the middle of the night - I'm sure your husband will be able to see it as well.
My dad has always given me many little pearls of wisdom throughout my life. I'll relay two of them.
My father was a football coach for years and one year he found these pins that read "You've Gotta Wanna." He more or less built the season (a winning one) around that slogan, meaning "you've got to WANT to win before you CAN win"
But it applies to any situation - you really do "gotta wanna" in order to make things happen. That want or need is the fuel for getting you over the finish line. Recognizing that a want or need exists can help get you moving in the right direction - and as you start moving, you'll gain more and more momentum.
One of his other sayings was that marriage is a 60-40 proposition (this always makes me sad because, for him it was a theory only because he and my mom have never had a happy marriage).
By 60-40 he meant the following -
If (as a rule) you put 60% into a marriage - and only take out 40%, and if your partner puts in 60% and only takes out 40% the result will be a good marriage.
When you think about it - it's very true. When you put the emphasis on GIVING 60% it takes the emphasis off of what you think you're GETTING out of the marriage.
I read one of Sar's old posts (someone mentioned her and I did a search to read up on what she was like) and she mentioned that one of her great joys was giving of herself at that hospital she was committed to. I thought that was such a beautiful thing to say because it was obvious that she was in a lot of pain, but the pain was eased by giving to others.
Having grown up with a very, very depressed mother - and battling my own depression - I know that the big “D” can make us so introspective. We end up, for a time, being so focused on ourselves simply because our pain doesn't give us much of a choice to do otherwise.
BUT, I truly think there is the opportunity for great growth to come from pain. I feel the pain in your post but I also see a great desire to move away from the pain.
You ask "where have I gone?" but I think, Miller, that you are right here, where you should be. Ready to move past the pain and tend to what needs to be mended. Sometimes we have to "go away" in spirit because of our depression. But the law of gravity says that what goes down must come up (or did Blood, Sweat and Tears just sing that and I thought it sounded like scientific law??? :)
Maybe a start would be trying to diffuse the hostility you mentioned. I think you will be surprised to find that it won't take long to clear the air.
Take good care of yourself. I just have really good, positive feelings that you will work this out.
Lee
poster:leeran
thread:218948
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030407/msgs/218965.html