Posted by Krissy P on April 5, 2003, at 15:14:33
Hi,
I really thought about what I was going to write here, if anything I hope this helps someone else :o)
Sometimes what goes on in my world is very much magnified by me and my thoughts. I think certain things are such big deal, when a lot of times they just aren't. I magnify them so much that I forget to be thankful for the present, and realize "man, this is life, be strong, have hope, strength, be mature, and deal". I always think that there is some certain time in our lives when everything is A OK-family, friends, our weight, our husbands/wives, boyfriends/girlfriends--everything.
Can anyone relate?
I am realizing that I need to let people be who they are and then, CHOOSE if I want to surround myself with the positive or the negative. We all want to know we are loved and heard, and I do my best to share that with the world. Because of some insecurity, I have allowed a lot of people walk all over me. Now, when I say this, I blame no one, I really don't. Not even myself. I am trying to learn to be very gentle with myself. I was taught a lot over the years from some wonderful therapists to do these things, but after this past week, I have never been more serious (but not too serious) lol
that I deserve to treat myself better and not to give away my power to ANYONE. I want to love life, get through the ups and downs, and realize that I'm ok, and that there's always room for improvenent, but to know these things while not losing myself to my angry felings, hurt feelings, or self-doubt. I hope this doesn't sound too "polyanna" it is just what I can write at this moment. I love my family, my puppy is my saving grace and I am so happy I gave her a "home" too, I have 2 legs, 2 arms, I can hear, I can see, I can speak. I regret at times, things I may say that are cruel, but so much of things I say is said out of such extreme anger AND hurt moreso-and often I turn that inward. There are going to be people who disappoint us, mistreat us, abuse us, whatever, but in the end, we are all we've got. Sometimes a scary thought but at the same time, resposibility is a gift, because it gives us the power to change, we always have choice and choice is freedom.
I make it an effort in life to let people live their lives, it's when they dis me-oh watch out-I get very angry. I take it personal, it's me, I'm horrible, I don't deserve to live, etc. We all have our demons (so to speak) that we have to fight, and without getting too "serious", when you think about it life is truly a gift. I know I post this now and sure my mood may swing, but I will NEVER even think of harming myself no matter what! Again! And I will always remember what I wrote here from the "cyber" strangers, and to the one's I have been blessed to correspond with through email. I have support, some don't, I want to be here for those that don't anywhere else in their lives. I need to quit taking things personally, and if they are personal, to ask myself "ok-is this true?, consider the source, and what can I or what do I I need to change in ME"? I am learning, but these feelings and thoughts can be a beast.
I have many things to be grateful for, including this board-even though if some ofmy friends knew I did post here getting "why do yoou do that ionkine"? I doit because it helps me and I hope to hekp others, and I know I have. But, aren't I the one who makes that decision to be part of something that makes others feel good and me at the same time? I control how I am going to respond or feel about certain things. I had a falling out with a friend this week, a friend who I have known since 1985. We never were really good friends but got in contact after a few years off and on. I let my anger get the best of me, and very politely communicated to this friend what I was feeling about something she did that was quite inappropriate. Her response was not what I thought, it would be what I learned to be the last communication that was not left on a good note. I forgive myself, but I also set my boundaries while also seeing the other operson's point of view. I was taught by a therapist to never apologize for our feelings, but always keep your side of the street clean-
Does anyone relate?
I apologize if I rambled here, I just wanted to share and tell those of you who sent such kind wishes and concern, a hug and a big thank you.
I hope everyone is doing good and I hoped someone got something out of my first post back here. My day is going to be spent "foofooing" my bedroom with pretty scents, laudry, you know, followed by a hot soak in a tub tonight filled with muscle soreness salts and bubble bath (not that everyone cared to know this lol) Don't we deserve that though? I have posted before that I have SEVERAL great books that apply to what I'm going through personally-and I will curl up with those tonight too.
I really apologize for such an extensive post.
All the best always, always, and always,
Love, Kristen
:o)
poster:Krissy P
thread:216481
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030401/msgs/216481.html