Posted by WorryGirl on March 30, 2003, at 16:01:38
In reply to All is well, and it feels weird, posted by Tabitha on March 29, 2003, at 1:50:43
> this is only remarkable because, I used to never be able to do casual socializing, it would upset me, or I'd get into trouble, I'd get an obsessive crush on some guy that would make me miserable, I'd drink too much, get a little too wild, feel miserable with shame afterward, or drink too much, offend someone, feel miserable with shame afterward, or I'd just feel so closed off and end up alone in the midst of the party, feeling like social cancer, and come away feeling worse about myself than if I hadn't gone. Or I'd make some drama out of getting acceptance like that was the last clique on earth and I had to get in, and play that out until I'd embarassed myself.
>
Hi Tabitha,
Good for you - it sounds like you came out of it OK. As much as I hate being in any kind of "social" group, the casual ones are the worst for me, because I ended up talking more and almost always say the wrong thing. Or, almost worse, I don't say anything then everyone thinks I'm stuck-up or something else negative.Today I attended my friend's daughter's birthday party. I knew a few people there, but still felt uncomfortable. My three year old ended up peeing her pants in front of everyone. I handled THAT fine. What I didn't handle fine was overhearing my "friend" talk with another "friend" about meeting at a certain park/pool during the summer on a regular basis with their kids. It hurt me because these two women were the only ones who I really know in my neighborhood and neither one has ever asked me if I wanted to get together with them at that park. There will be a lot of other mothers there, too, who they will be introduced to, etc.
But what am I griping about? I'd feel uncomfortable if I WERE invited and might even back out (and they may be feeling that vibe from me), but it's just knowing I wasn't invited. I feel like I know they think I'm a nutcase and are probably talking about me behind my back. I'm just trying to forget about it, but it's nagging me constantly already. It's easy for someone else to say just forget about it, but I can't. Not to mention the little smart alec comment by one of the women who asked if my daughter's dress was from Target. It's not that I really care, because I shop there all the time, but I had told her some time back that I splurged on this little outfit, but it must have felt great for her to keep me down. Oh, well!> Tonight none of that stuff happened. My crush was even there, young guy I once kissed after a party, I've been afraid to be around him socially for fear I'd die of embarassment, or get obsessed with him, or be rude to him to hide my crush. Nothing much happened. We ended up being the last people walking to cars even, there was a little flirtation, but no big deal. I handled it.
>
He probably read your vibes and was more comfortable with you all around so you aced that one! I don't know how you feel, but to me, men are usually much easier to deal with. As long as I seem relaxed, they respond well to me. Women, well that's often another story.....> I was even not so great in one interaction with a guy, but accepting of it. I maybe leaked a little anger with some sarcasm, but so what? I'm human.
The guy probably had it coming ;)
I don't have to shrivel up and avoid people because I'm not perfect. There are plenty of offensive people, way more offensive than me, who still manage to have social lives. People learn to accept them. I don't have to be perfect.
>I find it hard to believe that you are offensive, but you probably feel like I often do. Maybe, in some strange way we are, only because we just plain don't interact in the same way. I tend to blurt things out without filtering first. I even do it when I type, which is pretty bad, but sometimes I'll actually go back and edit it first :)
> Listen to all this, I swear I'm having healthy thoughts.
>I believe you!
> You know what else is different? I wasn't really invited to this thing, but it seemed like people didn't exactly need inviting, so instead of getting into some big drama over not being invited, I just casually asked, hey, are they having the happy hour for so-and-so tonight? In the past I've either gotten offended for not being invited, or guilt-tripped people into inviting me.. or even crashed some party where I was truly not welcome.. I could never quite get the hang of how people got included. Somehow I managed to gracefully get included with no big drama. Go me.
>
Yes, yes, yes! I'm the queen of not getting invited. Good for you for not letting that stop you. When I was younger and prettier people didn't seem to complain as much when I crashed parties (lol).> I started getting depressed and panicky afterward, and I realized (1) it's the little mini-hangover from the tequila shot, it will pass, and (2) I'm just not used to normal socializing. It's a lot to take in. Maybe I even miss the drama who knows. or it's sadness, there's no magic, this is it, just some conversation and a few laughs.
>
"Normal" socializing is very draining, at least for me. Even when I've felt that a social exchange was successful it really takes the life out of me. When it's a bad exchange I'm a miserable wretch :(> I'm ready to shed the social misfit thing and just socialize in a normal way. How bout that?
Go for it. Please let me know how it's working for you!
Take care
poster:WorryGirl
thread:213982
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030326/msgs/214492.html