Posted by Dinah on February 22, 2003, at 10:39:54
In reply to Re: Sleep is making me sick now. » Dinah, posted by rayww on February 22, 2003, at 9:10:51
Thanks, Beardy and Ginjoint.
It's my fault for deliberately inducing hypomania. :(
And maybe a touch of withdrawal from the meds, so I took some last night.
Things are looking grim. I'm working myself to the point of making myself sick in order to keep the job that's making me sick. But financial obligations keep me from feeling free to look for a job with more steady workload. I know it wouldn't pay as well.
I'm doing well enough on the urgent project, but enough work is piling up to leave me working into the night for months to come.
My mother-in-law, who everyone thought was getting better, is apparently in very critical condition from heart problems. And I'm trying to prod my husband into actually asking questions about whether they can do something instead of just preparing for the worst. I'm so angry and upset. That's the good side of the family, my inlaws, and I'm very fond of them. They are the most loving people and are so central to my son's life.
My brother left today. If I'm hearing the true story, he rejoined the army and won't be back living with my parents for perhaps forever (since the current plan is to stay in until retirement) which puts the onus of caring for my angry, demanding parents squarely on me. He's safe and will be at a US base working in the office, and he's way better off because my parents were vicious to him (for some - but not enough - reason as he apparently stole from them). But I don't know how he put up with it. And I don't know how I'm going to put up with it. We can't move a thousand miles away because of my husband's parents. We both are the only kids around to care for our parents.
I often think of life as that giant rock in Indiana Jones trying to roll me down. And I feel like it's prodding my heel now. And I don't want to fight. I have enough trouble with my own internal problems when everything externally is ok. I just want to die before external things get really bad. So I'm taking very poor care of myself, but that's going to take a while to kill me. I know it's stupid and juvenile but there is a very stupid and juvenile part to me.
I know it would help to cut my therapy sessions to once a week, since it takes time and money to go twice. But I'm not sure I'm ok, and it makes me feel safer to go twice.
God, I'm tired and screwed up. My brain isn't functioning effectively, and I'm spacing out a lot trying to avoid everything around me.
poster:Dinah
thread:202723
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030215/msgs/202789.html