Posted by cubbybear on January 13, 2003, at 11:23:46
In reply to Re: I'm a mess now » cubbybear, posted by bluedog on December 29, 2002, at 9:37:24
Hi bluedog,
You probably were wondering why I never answered your previous post. Here we are-- two whole weeks after you wrote and I'm first getting around to it. Why? The reason is simple: maybe I'm just stupid and inexperienced but I simply had been unaccustomed to using SOCIAL babble (and my emotional state just compounded the oversight),, so back then I looked only at your posting on regular psychobabble. So I missed your reply on this board.
When I was eating dinner tonight, I got to thinking of going back to the social babble board to see whatever came of your hopes of getting hooked up with E-mail. I had originally printed out all of your messages and decided to take a short cut: I wrote down the entire E-mail address (including eight-digit posting number)--the one that the board itself assigns to every post they get. That would save me time, compared to starting at the home page.
So it worked--I got directly to your message, then happened to glance at the entire thread. ( I can be very pragmatic as well as forgetful; maybe the Clonazepam is affecting my short-term memory). It was then that I discovered you had written a followup post on Dec. 29. Well, by Dec. 29, I was such a mess that I forgot about the social babble board entirely. (I hope all this makes sense.) As the cliche goes, better late than never.
Now, to answer your question-- the two events of that awful Friday (troubles at work) and then receiving the letter from my friend were--as you put it--"a terrible coincidence." And yet, they very much emananted from the same root cause, i.e. my short-tempered, ultra-sensitive personality. It upset my co-workers on that day and evidently killed off my relationship with my friend over the long-term.
You also wondered if there was a sense of permanency in his message. Well I did write him a letter virtually begging him to re-consider; and his reply was that he had given it a lot of thought and there would be no reconsideration.
Your posting of 29/12 was very well thought out and you are absolutely right: my personality quirks CAN be very draining on people and my mother has been trying to get this through my head for the longest time. Oddly, I can often see myself as others see me, but trying to change one's personality--actually eradicating the most deep-seated ways of reacting to the slightest things--can seem next to impossible to accomplish. But if I don't succeed at this, it's almost inevitable that I will continue to alienate people when I'm feeling irritable and history will repeat itself.
I basically have no choice but to get rid of this very nasty "darker" side.
Now, as for the current stateof affairs I remain VERY depressed (it's now more than 2 weeks). The combination of total frustration/dissatisfaction with my job + loss of friend + major changes/sacrifices/
losses in my social life have combined like a lethal mix to send me back into the pits of depression.
My pdoc upped my dose of Moclobemide to 600 mg. on Jan. 3, and it's possible that he might tell me to go to 750 this Friday if I'm still feeling as bad as I did last week. So far, even at 600 mg. I'm feeling NO side effects. (Maybe you've seen my latest postings about Moclobemide on the reg. Psycho Babble board.) By far the most painful part is that hellish WAITING PERIOD of 4-6 weeks, or whatever it is, until the meds finally take effect and you really start to feel better. Every minute can feel like an eternity. And of course, it's my very first time experimenting with this medication, so my depression-induced fear is that it won't help me.
(By the way, I liked your very upbeat perspective that it's not really a relapse I've experienced, but rather a setback.)
I'm so glad that I found your posting tonight, a whole 2 weeks after you sent it. I printed it out and will keep it and re-read it as a source of encouragement. (If I don't hear from you soon, I'll start a new thread and direct you back to this letter, so we can properly resume contact). I hope this letter didn't alienate you! You see--that's what depression does--you start blaming yourself, and worry about being rejected and all that totally negative stuff. E-c-c-h, I'm feeling ALL of it!!
cubbybear
poster:cubbybear
thread:33345
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030111/msgs/35173.html