Posted by Noa on January 4, 2003, at 9:25:28
In reply to Re: Sigh » Noa, posted by Dinah on January 3, 2003, at 22:57:30
> For someone who's battling depression (or someone who's not for that matter) you're doing great!
Thanks, Dinah. You know, reading what you wrote helps me remember that I am doing pretty well,and had been in recent months--that this is just an episode of "recurrence" I am going through now, and maybe it will pass, like my therapist has been reassuring me but I've had a hard time believing.
I think in recent months I have made a lot of headway at work. During this contract year, I really have made major improvments in my performance there. That is probably why the bullshit stuff that is happening on the job now is so damn discouraging to me.
That memo reprimanding me for 2 minor things and one vague and ancient thing was the first main feedback I'd gotten in a long time. Nothing from my superiors about the improvements I've made. I even brought it up in a supervisory meeting once--letting them know I taken extra time during vacation to work hard to learn some new skills that I thought were addressing some of my weaknesses (organizational/time management). No, the first positive feedback came after the memo, after I think I made my feelings known (in an unfortunately passive aggressive way, I admit) that I was miffed at the snitty memo. But the feedback was on a different area of my job--a new responsibility that is not part of the main bulk of my job description (ie, doesn't have much consequence in evaluating me in my actual position). Nothing noticed about my improved performance in areas that were main focus of criticism in my evaluations. The positive feedback that she did offer that week felt at that point like an afterthought, a bone tossed my way, and felt "too little too late". I am bitter, yes, I know.
My therapist says that I am too influenced by the negative feedback and lack of positive feedback, that it resonates too much with the internal criticism. He is right. It really throws me off. I think that is (at least part of) what triggered this depressive episode I'm in. I think conditions were ripe in that maybe the SAD components were causing me to have a low grade depression as it is, and of course, the internal critic is always ready for action, and then the work stuff pulled the trigger and BOOM, you know, down the hole I go.
This board and all you guys are so great for me. Thanks.
poster:Noa
thread:34471
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030104/msgs/34527.html