Posted by Miller on December 10, 2002, at 18:58:15
In reply to alive, posted by tina on December 10, 2002, at 14:25:54
Tina,
I promised I wouldn't post because I made such a mess of the last one. I just wanted to say that I, for one, am glad you are alive.
I have made such a mess of my life in the last 5 days. After I posted the "Message from Hell", I felt horrible. I was So afraid that I sent you further into despair.
To you, I am sorry. It was never my intention. I really want you to know that you are not alone. I now understand that this site is to be supportive more than anything. I was truly trying to let you know some of us are in the same place.
I am in no position to give you advise. However, I will tell you that on Friday I tried (not hard enough) to release my anger forever. The police were called. I HAD to be taken to the local Mental Health Complex. Instead of taking advantage of the help and expertise of the people there, I was angry and mean to them.
Now I am sitting here wondering why I didn't just "spill it" when I had the chance. Who was I protecting? If I was really going to die, did it matter if I let it all out?
I realize that the reason I didn't let it all out was that there is a little piece of human nature that has self-preservation as it's only function. I was unable to kill myself because of it. I was also, aware (but didn't recognize it at the time) that if I let it ALL out, my protection was gone.
I have made the decision to go to my psychologist appointment on Thursday and talk as frankly as I can about everything. Before I make another choice to kill myself, I will at least take another look at the options. If there is self-preservation that I didn't know about, what else is hidden inside me waiting to come out? Contentment? Peace?
Tina, can YOU make a commitment to take another honest look to see if this is your last option? If nothing else, the people on this site would feel much better. They are certainly worried about you. You have become very important to them. The way they jumped to protect you is amazing.
One last thing. Every time someone points out a person who loves or likes me, I push the thought out by saying "they really don't KNOW me". So, if, at this point, you are saying the same thing right now - you are wrong. These people know you very well. On this site you have given yourself to all the people in need. Your friends here would not have protected you if you didn't contribute to their well-being.
Tina, find peace.
-Miller
poster:Miller
thread:33170
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20021206/msgs/33188.html