Posted by IsoM on December 7, 2002, at 2:07:27
In reply to Trying to understand myself...IsoM, posted by miller on December 6, 2002, at 13:52:46
Miller, I've been pretty familiar with suicide. I lost one friend to it, have had three family members hospitalised for being suicidal at different times (2 of them my sons), & was, myself, going through the motions of a person preparing for suicide without being aware of it. I was giving away all I valued to a few close friends & family, tying up loose ends before death until one son, in recognition of it (even if I wasn't aware), broke down in tears begging me not to do this to him.
I've also watched someone I loved sit motionless for hours just staring into nothing. I felt this person's utter emptiness & nothingness. I know X wanted to die & I had nothing left to say that could provide X with a reason to keep living. The feeling of guilt from being so powerless to do anything is great. You want to say or do something that can make a difference but what can you do when there's nothing left? Like you said, their need for relief is real.
It's not like one has hit rock bottom - it's more like there's an abyss that has no end. If you've been suicidal, then you'll understand what I can't put into words - how horrible it is.
I may be wrong but many people who are very depressed, to the point of contemplating suicide, can't help but be somewhat selfish. Their pain engulfs them to the exclusion of feelings for others, at times. But if such a person has also lost others (like Tina), the idea of joining those dead becomes more attractive.
Thank you for explaining why you posted. I still think it was ill-adviced, but not ill-intentioned now. I know that need for relief is real & *very* strong. I very much hope Tina hasn't killed herself. But I see nothing ob PB. I'll wait & so will others.
Do you notice how much people will use euphemisms for suicide? Instead of killing oneself, other words will be used to describe it. People are loathe to say kill but pretty words doesn't make it any less horrid. I won't pretty it.
poster:IsoM
thread:33022
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20021206/msgs/33043.html