Posted by Roo on September 10, 2002, at 11:01:26
In reply to Re: A very long answer » Roo, posted by Dinah on September 9, 2002, at 13:26:34
>
>> I guess where I find it useful is to find types
of interventions that work well for it, and to
recognize the sorts of distorted thinking that
I need to be aware of.
Yeah, that sounds reasonable. My own personal tendency
is to just start feeling doomed by a diagnoses...but if
you can be logical and just take what is useful, that's
very good...
> I am remembering that feelings so well. It took
me over three years on Luvox before I really
realized the trade-offs. The sex didn't bother me
until after I went off Luvox, because on it
I had no desire to have an orgasm. But the
emotional flattening, the inability to really
feel anything for people I wanted to feel intense
love for, the Luvox stupids (I'm ashamed to admit
that it meant a lot to me to feel intelligent
and quick witted), the apathy, all those things
eventually made me feel less human.
Yeah, I know what you mean. It's pretty amazing. And another
thing on ssri's...I'm not sure if you experienced this or not...but
I lost the ability for belly laughter...I'd still kind of chuckle, but
I wouldn't just lose it laughing...and it was harder to feel really
deep compassion, you are right, and that's very disturbing.
> Hmm. Perhaps SSRI's worked better for you
than they did for me. They stopped my OCD
in it's tracks but I ruminated a lot about
my inability to feel positive emotions, enjoy
movies, feel Christmas, love my family, etc.
And I was subject to sudden rages on the SSRI's
, perhaps because I was less aware of when
things were building up, leading me to self
injure more on the drugs than off.
Hmmm...that's interesting. I guess to be honest, I still
ruminated about stuff too...I just didn't care as much...I'd
ruminate, but it wouldn't cut me to the core....and I could
let it go sooner...
> Yes, I tend to be like that. But that's my
personality. I'm introspective and ruminative
and even on SSRI's that was true (see above).
I just ruminated about different things.
I'm not sure I'd change that if I could.
It's too much a part of who I am.
Yeah, part of it is probably my personality too. I'm
definitely an introvert. Although I love being with people,
I'm usually pretty quiet. And i'm introspective. I guess
when it just becomes this endless negative tapes that play, it's
not just personality...it's depression. There's a difference between
just being thoughtful and introspective and just being trapped in
your head with ruminating tapes...
> And that was my main reason for going off of
SSRI's. I would look at dogs I dearly loved
before the drugs and feel nothing at all.
It made me so angry and disgusted with myself.
I felt so inhuman. I think it's our attachments
to others that anchor us to this world and it
was more difficult than usual for me to feel
attached on the SSRI's. I have difficulties
in that area to begin with.
I guess that was part of the appeal for me too...I get SO
attached to people that it's almost painful...so having a
feeling of detachment felt so of luxurious (at first) and like
I had more control, and less fears of being abandoned by the
people I was so attached to. Less raw, more protected. But
I feel more ready now to deal with the intensity of my emotions.
I think I just grew up terrified of my emotions. Now I'm like
"Cool! I'm trembling and shaking inside! Wow!" Whereas before
it scared the shit out of me and I felt I had to squelch it immediately.
>
> Yes, I suppose that's true. But...the same was
true for my regular, non-distorted, non-negative
thoughts. :)Yep. And I think it's really important to remind myself of
that.
>
> I guess I'm a bit skeptical about there being
root issues too. I think I'm just biologically
hard-wired to have problems with emotional
regulation. What I can do is to dismantle the
poor coping mechanisms I've developed to survive
and replace them with better coping mechanisms.
For example, I've always used dissociation rather
heavily as a coping mechanism, and I still do,
but I'm learning to have some control over it,
to use it in an appropriate manner, etc.
It's better to use it with awareness than
without I think.Yes, exactly. That's where I'm at--recognizing my coping
mechanisms and trying to change them...I'm having to "act
opposite" a lot, and that is HARD when just every cell in
your being wants to do the behavior...to try something new...
is really hard. Especially in social situations, I find.
>
> So does it ever get easy without meds? No. It doesn't.
But it's a question of choosing which symptoms
you'd rather live with. I've made my choice to
feel more fully, but to be careful and monitor
my reactions, use therapy to contain them, etc.
That does require some introspection and being
aware of my moods.Well put. I think I am making that choice too. And in
the process of _committing_ to it. It's very scarey. I've
been on numbing ssri's for a long time...it's scarey to
step out into the world without that armor. But it's
exciting too! And like I said, I feel more able to handle and
even get into my feelings than before.
>
> I doubt there's a best answer. Just what
you want to deal with. It stinks doesn't it?
I sometimes wish I didn't have these problems
and didn't have to make these decisions.
But... there are good things to extreme emotional
sensitivity too.I really think we ought to start a thread on that...what
are the good things about all this...
If you could make a list of the good things, what would they be?For me it would be:
1. Belly laughter
2. Literally trembling with excitement
3. Killer orgasms
4. The ability to feel moved to tears.
5. Feeling fully, in your heart, how much you love somebody.The list is growing, it's still new, so that's all I have for now...
poster:Roo
thread:30042
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20020908/msgs/30085.html