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Re: Being good = Being cared for

Posted by Dinah on August 28, 2002, at 6:48:14

In reply to Re: Being good = Being cared for, posted by Susan G on August 27, 2002, at 23:25:26

> I really agree with IsoM's comments about focusing on the behavior and not the person. I also like to use "natural consequences" since that is often how life works and it takes some of the potentially negative emotion out of the situation.
>
That is definitely my main method of discipline, although I must admit to a natural love of lecture. (As you've probably deduced, Susan.) :)

> At the core of it all is unconditional love. Everyone needs to hear how wonderful they are and it means the most when it comes from parents or significant others. Part of that love is a level of trust and honesty. I appreciated the fact that my parents could give me honest feedback about how I might be able to improve, etc., but only after heaping on the praise for the good things. Building self esteem requires feeling competent and masterful even if you are only a young child. Parents who allow their kids to try and to fail without harsh criticism are helping them develop healthy self images. And it has to be real, not hollow praise.
>
That's one of the main tenets of Montessori, which I love. I try to do that, although I don't always succeed. Not that I give harsh criticism but it's hard to watch your kids hurting, and I might try to protect him a bit too much.

> I'll bet you are a most wonderful mother, Dinah, and your son is a lucky boy.

Not wonderful by any means. I do try very very hard. I've memorized all the books. But he also learns from watching me when I'm not "parenting" and I'm not sure what I teach him then is what I want him to learn. Hmmm. A new reason to be nicer to yourself. It's good for your kids. Maybe I'll buy that one. Probably not. :(

Ah well, hopefully I'll be "good enough". But I would just love to give him the gift of inner security and the resilience that brings. And for some reason probably having to do more with me than him, I equate that with understanding that you are more than what you do. If that makes any sense...

 

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