Posted by Greg A. on August 15, 2002, at 17:46:07
I have not posted for quite some time. I read some of the current threads but never feel I have anything much to contribute. Many of the names are new (to me) and that can be intimidating. I feel like I am butting in to someone’s conversation.
At any rate, tomorrow, on August 16, 2002, I will be 50, yes count ‘em, fifty, ciquante, five zero years old. And I have to say, I am not looking forward to the last half (optimism) of my life. The first half had its ups and certainly its downs. Twenty years of depression – no not unremitting – but often enough. I thought once I accepted the diagnosis and worked at it, it would become a thing of the past. And while I have a better understanding of the disease and can control my responses to it a bit better, it still follows me.
I am married (23 years) have 2 daughters (15 and 16), a career job with only 5 years until retirement on a pension. I own a house. I own a summer cabin, a boat. I have 2 cats. I am unhappy most of the time.
I have been plagued the past number of months with the feeling that I do not have much to live for. I can reconcile that my daughters likely will not need me nearly as much in the future as they go their own way. I have done a good job with them, I think. My wife and I have grown apart. I have allowed this to happen by making no effort to be close. I attribute part of that to depression which can make it tough to work at a relationship and be close to anyone. I have lost most of my friends over the past ten years. I have not communicated there either and when we do get together, there is a good chance I will be morose and antisocial. What really bothers me is that the things I do for enjoyment like cycling, woodwork, reading, are not fun anymore either.
I have started to drink way too much lately. Not enough to affect my work, but enough that my wife has demanded that I cut back, and in fact, threatened to leave if I do not. I have not. I changed meds in May after I hit a real low. I don’t believe I have gotten back to where I would like to be. But I am sick of changing meds.
I look over my shoulder and wonder if the good parts of my life – getting married, having a career, raising children – are over. What is left? A deteriorating marriage, more depression. A life without enjoyment or purpose.
That’s my confession for now. I used to read sar’s posts and talk to her once in awhile. I enjoyed her humour and her laugh at yourself attitude. She was not laughing on the inside, I know, but she made me feel better. I will always remember her for that.
Thanks for listening.
poster:Greg A.
thread:28692
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20020813/msgs/28692.html