Posted by Phil on July 3, 2002, at 18:45:18
In reply to Do you ever feel...., posted by Angel Girl on July 3, 2002, at 16:56:13
Angel Girl,
Stop beating yourself up. Okay, I do it too but stop anyway. 8^)
I think you and I have something in common, we have a little glitch when it comes to "letting" others love us. The alienation you feel is self-induced, I think you get along just fine. Maybe you don't feel worthy of happiness (I have that one big time)and not only don't you feel worthy, but you also say it.
You are comparing your insides to others outsides.
I look absolutely normal walking down the street but I'm always fighting the thought of hopelessness on the inside. I constantly look at others and see what they have and I'm miserable because they have something that I'd like to have but can't. I wonder why I'm about to turn 49 and have 'nothing to show for it' as the saying goes.
Well, I have a lot to show for my life and you do too, Angel Girl, you're a walking example of a person who battles their erroneous thoughts all day but is still with the living, doing the best they know how. I've come to the conclusion that you and me and everyone else with mental illness fights the toughest disease on this planet, bar none. There are some bad diseases but nothing touches depression. Not only do you feel like walking death half your life but you get the added bonus of friends, family, and everyone else thinking you just need to pull yourselves up by the bootstraps. Hell, no wonder we get suicidal. People are not taking the time to learn about their mental illness. I know people on meds who take the pills and that's it. No curiosity about the brain, their meds. So, to me, if you don't feel crazy with depression, you may need to up the dose.
Is there a point in life...no. Life, in the end, is pointless. But, even getting in the flow with pointlessness is fun. Then we don't see everything that happens to us as the end of the world.
The question of pain, Angel Girl, is that unless you're a psychopath, you have pain. We all feel it. Living is painful..it's supposed to be. But it's supposed to have up's and happiness, too. We can never be as carefree like we were at 4 or 5. It's a shame we lose that play thing.Sometimes now, I'll think about conversing with my disease and I always say this, "I've walked with you for 20 years and there is no way in hell you're ever gonna beat me. Angel Girl, throw off the shackles, you are large and in charge.
We still have choices in depression.With a lot of love and respect for you, Angel Girl. All you can say is I feel terrible. But, you're here saying it. That's how I know you'll get better. You are worth more than diamonds or gold.
A fellow sufferrer,
Phil
poster:Phil
thread:26030
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20020629/msgs/26037.html