Posted by wendy b. on April 29, 2002, at 0:46:24
> can you tell me a little more about your group experience? i am thinking about joining a women's group for survivors of child abuse, but very skeptical that it won't be overwhelming or that it could be helpful. my ex is in one for men and he has great things to say about it, though i can't really say that he is that "different" (still deals with things the same way)
>
> anyway, your thoughts would be appreciated and since others would be too, can you post on PSB?
>
> thanks
Lini,More than happy to expound on a topic that many many others would have a lot to contribute to, so let's hope we get more discussion after this...
I have been seeing a therapist for about a year and a half, now, who is also a nurse practitioner (specializing in psychiatry), so she can also prescribe meds. I like to think of her as my 'one-stop-shopping' for mental health, since she's very insightful about my particular issues in therapy, and perceptive as to which meds might do best for individual patients. She has me on a good combo of Wellbutrin/Neurontin (am I repeating myself?), which has worked well for me and pulled me from the brink when I sank into a dark pit last year.
Anyway, the therapist mentioned that she wanted to form a group that would meet once a week, and that it would be only females with similar issues (depression - anxiety - suicidality- some cutting). Also, we are all patients of hers, so she knows each woman's issues intimately. So I thought if she thought it would be a good idea for me (bipolar with some social problems), then I would try it. So right there, I think the fact that the leader was someone I trusted a lot was important. Plus, the fact that she was limiting it to women was important, i.e., you can't have everybody and their uncle's dog attending. I think that's important. (An aside: something maybe posters on the Admin board might take to heart re: PB 2000 and 2001 - therapy groups are by their nature exclusionary).
Her office would be the meeting place, and thus could hold only 5-6 members, tops. So it's small, so, to me, another plus. We had to commit to meeting once a week; if we were flakey and missed one or two or several in a row, our commitment to the group was questioned, and quite rightly. We feel we have made a pact to support one another, and if one of us keeps missing group, it hurts the others, and hurts the functionality of the group.
The makeup of the group: me (41, bipolar w/ refractory depression), H (21, anorexic, self-injurer), S (23, depressed w/self-esteem issues, former SI), L (22, depressed, dependency issues, occasional suicidality, some SI). A couple other women wander in and out, but the makeup from week to week is mostly these four, plus the therapist.
The difference between my age and theirs is dramatic; we decided to see how it went. I thought: how could I relate to these women who were about half my age? And they didn't have a kid, like I did. So what could they offer me, I wondered. After the first session where we talked about how each of us deals with stress, and it came out that all of them had cut in order to cope with certian hard times, I went home and thought: wow, they're really much nuttier than I am, I'm just plain garden-variety bipolar. They probably went home and thought: wow, she's really much nuttier than I am, she's bipolar (I noticed their eyebrows raised when I stated my illness...)
The truth is, after going for several weeks, I learned so much from them. I should have known this, because I liked teaching that age-group, and often thought when teaching: I am learning so much from them... And I was grateful. None of us knew each other before we met there for the first time, yet we committed 1.5 hours each week to the group. I learned much more about cutting and why people do it (also, tried to read up on it at PsychoBabble, which helped). The therapist said that I was providing a good model for the younger women, and some of their experiences and courage astounded me as well. So the unkind thought: what can I learn from these younger women? was answered ... A lot. They have also admired and respected my attempts to do things which I considered almost insurmountable. A pat on the back sometimes feels pretty nice...
We meet outside group if we want a friend to walk or run with, or someone to have coffee with, and we don't have to explain (or keep quiet) about the meds. So if someone expresses a need in group (like L, who said the task of doing her income tax seemed totally insurmountable, and I offered my limited expertise and assistance) one of us tries to help if we can, or offer possible solutions.
I think the most important thing we accomplish in group is 'practicing' or working through ways to deal with difficult situations (usually having to do with interacting with other people). We don't role-play, but we notice and comment on each other's reactions or reactions to what one of us will say. For example, N (not with us anymore, she was told, politely, I'm sure, by the therapist that she 'wasn't ready' for the group at this time) got extremely agitated and upset when H swayed the productive conversation we were having over to herself and some drama that she was experiencing. N was right in a way, that we were getting off-topic (although that can often be interesting and fruitful). But she said things to H that I took as totally out-of-line and aggressive and offensive ("I'm here to work! I am working hard! You are not working as hard as I am! I have a paper due tomorrow, I don't have time to waste!"). I immediately rushed to aide H, who told me nicely that I didn't have to protect her. I said, not even when N is speaking to you in such an arrogant way and pushing her agendas and time-frames? No, H said, I can take care of myself. Then another woman said, Wendy, you always do that. Do what? Rush to help other people. Well, isn't that good, I ask? Aren't we all "busy," with no time to waste? They agree about my knee-jerk reaction. Why don't you help yourself as fiercely as you do other people? they ask. Well! I was SO pissed off... trying to defend myself defending others, etc., feeling hurt and misunderstood and judged. Trying to keep myself from leaping across the room to strangle N... Therapist says: Wendy, wait, and gestures to me to keep quiet. I say, but! but! And she maintains her stance: puts her hand up to ask me to be still and think for a while. It was everything I could do to just shut the hell up. I closed my eyes while the others kept talking, even did some deep breathing. I expressed the feeling that maybe I wasn't wanted there, and they protested. Therapist shakes her head, no. I fight back tears. Group ends without me feeling an appreciable amount better, but I leave thinking: SOMETHING happened here. Something small perhaps in the big scheme of things, but something I can learn from, and I don't know what it is yet...
Days went by before I realized this was an encapsulated scenario, like a little play or theater-piece. Starring ME. As I always react to this type of situation. I was floored. Something so simple, one person insulting another, and I felt enraged? As I always do... Why? In individual therapy later that week, this line of questioning brought us to my ACOA issues, children doing the parenting in my family, being a victim of child abuse as a 4-yr old, being neglected as a toddler, being beaten by my ex-husband. I was/am always out to protect the underdog, maybe because I felt so un-protected and alone when I was little. The underdog, the under-protected who is -- ME? My siblings, too, perhaps. But there are ways that I can express that need to protect that might be more productive: like starting with protecting myself, and defending myself, and relying on others, like H, to protect themselves. I learned so much about my interactions with others from that one small moment in group.
I blather on... sorry. I guess what I'm trying to say is that if you are open to the possibility that this might help you, Lini, then look around for a group. You have nothing to lose. And even though your ex may not appear to be helped, he might feel much better about himself, even if it takes time to incorporate change into his life. What I mean is, it's hard to assess from the outside what the therapy is doing on the inside of the other person. Even if we change thought patterns, or just BEGIN to look at the ways we have always reacted to others under stressful conditions, we can contemplate change...
I'll stop now and give others a chance to say some things. If you have any specific questions, Lini, please go ahead and ask. Start out with #1 as a child-abuse survivor: having a safe place to unload, IMHO. This implies having a very good therapist/moderator who builds that safe environment. A small group might work better for you than a larger one, but that's just my take on what you have said. It's quite hard to talk to complete strangers about our most intimate problems and fears... Unloading on or supporting people who have been in your shoes might make you feel so not alone.
I realize my experience is my own, and that not everyone feels helped by group therapy situations. Personally, I feel it helps me so much. And not that I haven't been frustrated at times, or felt negatively. I have. But be open to the thought that it could help you...
Many kind regards,
Wendy
poster:wendy b.
thread:22794
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20020422/msgs/22794.html