Posted by IsoM on April 26, 2002, at 23:39:13
In reply to Re: ME TOO » IsoM, posted by Manda on April 26, 2002, at 21:45:01
Manda, please read this & try your best to understand. I'm going to relate a scenario that played out with my son those 4 years ago.
The genetic tendency for depression runs in our family from my side & also from his father's. My son has Asperger syndrome too. His intelligence is phenomenol but there's a serious defect with his social side. He's always known he was different from others - was the quintessential geeky nerd, even though he's a very handsome man now & was a beautiful child, he has that ackwardness that most others find unattractive. He never fit in, always felt alone. When he was 11 & one day crying in my arms, he told me he just wanted so badly to be dead.
He fought depression before that, but I never knew just what it was. When he said that at only 11 years old, my heart broke. For a couple of years in his teens, we got it under control but in the last year of high school, it came back full force (I won't explain why). It hung heavy over him for another 4 years till I caught him as he was leaving to kill himself. Even treated, the depression didn't leave him till 2 years ago. He's lived with it for most of his life but he can honestly say he's glad I stopped him that day.
He still can feel the dread he had when he reflects on it but as he explained, it's like you're in a different world - a different place completely. If darkness falls all around you, how could you possibly see what lies ahead? He couldn't. He said nothing would have ever convinced him that matters would improve. And not just improve, but that he would feel happy & valued - someone of worth that others really care about now. Someone others look up to & seek out his company.
Manda, how can you know how others think of you, sweetie? You're blind now with emotional pain. You have no idea what lies ahead. The person who has passed through life without great pain, at one time or another, is rare. The greater the pain we feel, the greater is our depth & the greater can be our joy when we finally reach it. We will reach it. Perhaps we'll not be able to hold on to it always, but it is there to taste & enjoy from time to time. Some are luckier than others & have more happiness than pain. But we ALL have unbearable pain sometime. Most people prefer not to talk about it or try to forget it, but if you start talking to people much & gently coax, most will reveal times when they knew no way out.
But Manda, there is a way. I don't know when or where for you, but you need to let others - your boyfriend, your parents, whoever - know just what the depth of your despair is. If you were to die & they hadn't known how bad it was, they'll forever feel that they didn't help. They'll carry the guilt & pain after you're gone. Please let others know, Manda. Pax has given good advice - be good to us & let us help - and those you know who love you.
poster:IsoM
thread:22664
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20020422/msgs/22698.html