Posted by Penny on April 4, 2002, at 10:02:29
In reply to i am a horrible person/ i am the devil, posted by LiLi80 on April 4, 2002, at 9:47:13
> i am being isolated and i cant shake the feeling that its just cause i am a horrible human being. god i must really be like the devil or something for this to happen to me.
Yeah, I know what you mean. I tend to scare off anyone anymore who tries to get close to me, and I turn it all inward. Must be me. Even when others tell me it's not, it must be!!! How else can you explain it?
My therapist tells me to think of it as though I was talking to someone else. And in this case, I am. I'm talking to you. So what I can say to you (and, theoretically, what I should say to myself when I feel the same way you do) is: it's not you. You're not a horrible person. How others react to you is not a reflection of who you are on the inside. Look at how many people on this board care about you! Do you think they would care at all, if you were truly a horrible person? I don't. Really.
Of course, I can't convince you of any of that. Any more than you could convince me. I told my therapist once that the only time my logical side was illogical was when I was looking at myself from my own perspective. It's hard to be objective when looking at yourself anyway, but even harder when you are in the midst of a depression. Your thoughts are totally distorted.
As for your 'friends', I have those too. People who 'care' as long as I'm doing well, but bail when the going gets tough. And I wish I could say that you'll find new friends, but I don't know that for sure. It's hard, esp. when you're not doing well. I do know that you don't need the 'friends' who treat you like shit. They're not worth your time or energy.
Try to remember, Lili, that is this not WHO you are. These feelings, these thoughts...they are ultra-convincing, but they are NOT who you are. They are a symptom of the disease.
Penny
poster:Penny
thread:21405
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20020403/msgs/21409.html