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racist bigot, et al

Posted by trouble on March 26, 2002, at 19:24:53

I've been racist, there's racism in my character.
I admit it, does that mean I get out of jail free?

I've never had the liberal white guilt of the middle class, I grew up w/ Billie Holiday and Lou Rawls on the turntable twenty-four-seven, which was a form of theft, inconsistent w/ the Mark Furhman-type talk that went on, also 24/7.

OK, but the neighborhood Blacks weren't offended by all the name-calling, they called me the N-word too, just goofing and signifyin' and shit, but somehow I grew up prejudiced, seeing Blacks as inferior, but taking comfort from their churches when no one else wanted me, man this is going to be one long and winding look back, but my therapist said yesterday this is all good stuff, so drop everything and bring it on.

I don't like white people either. Most of the non-professional love and acceptance I've gotten for free has come from Black churches, I was sincere at first, then at some point it became slumming. I met my Realdad during the O.J. trial and it was all great except for the one big stupid O.J. conflict, I said he was guilty and my dad said you can't be seriouis and then I stayed home all day and watched the Mark Fuhrman tapes on TV and my dad called and said do you get it now, and I said it's irrelevent and he said "Man, Robin, where did you come by this false consciousness?" Well fuck you dad maybe if you woulda been around when I was coming up we'd have gotten drunk all night on the 18th century Slave Narratives and I would have turned out proper and right you fucking W R E C K E R by default.

BTW he's not a Negrophile, my realdad, if he was I'd disown him. Langston Hughes said once if you mentioned the Harlem Renaissance to an actual Harlem resident they wouldn't know what the hell you were talking about. Right. That's the kind of white person I don't want to be.

I guess my mom went from marrying this totally boomin, multicultural outlaw junkie rock-n-roll husband I never knew, to marrying my Bestdad who was a KKK sympathizer, who ridiculed and barely tolerated the Black cultural artifacts my Realdad left behind.

I'm not making excuses. I'm just up to my knees here in these can-of-worms. I've seen snapshots, finally, proof, pictures of my realdad in hipster nightclubs, from before I was born, looking real friendly and open and messed up and deep, earning a living playing drums, surrounded by Mexicans and Blacks and Loose Blondes and murderers, how lucky can one white kid be to have that in her blood, so what does my mom do? BEATS ME!!! Ha ha, don't laugh, humor is serious business in times like this, my mom, who made shit up, then recanted, made shit up, then recanted, wiped out the real, ah, de facto dad, and told me once that she and my bestdad, the second one, were driving and saw a white woman and Black man in another car and my bestdad went into a rage trying to run them off the road. This must have been around 1963. He was mixed up. When JFK was shot this same, bestdad sat in his Barcalounger all day crying, then me and my mom went to buy take-out, when we came back he was WORSE and my mom went in the bathroom and slammed the door and I followed her saying what's goin on and when I opened the door she was fixing her lipstick and said your FATHER has his PRIORITIES fucked up, THAT'S what! I was six. The whole country's at half-mast and she's fixing her lipstick.
But then what does he do, bestdad, disowns his REAL flesh-and blood daughter, my half-sister when she married a Black man. To this day he won't have anything to do with her, his own blood. What a fucking ass-hole, what a fucking creep, man, is this right, I hope this is the right way to see it, but it's called a Borderline Feature to see things in all black or white terms w/ no grey area, and I'm trying to get away from that, but there's a limit, you have to say Yes or No or at some point your head explodes. Then they do an autopsy and say oh geez lookit all that missing ambiguity in here, when will they ever learn death comes to those who know too much.

T says it's all good, says I'm approaching integration and authenticity. Hey out there, wanna buy a wig? They come in all shapes and colors! He said I can keep my monkey business, my multiple personality wigs 'cause I know now that they never got me anywhere, never been this far before, not w/out demon rum joining the effort. I will untangle my spaghetti. Strand by bullshit strand. Two dads down, three more to go. We're a team. I need to pause a moment here and give thanks to psychopharmacology for making all this possible. See you in hell,

robin


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