Posted by trouble on February 28, 2002, at 17:58:40
In reply to Anger, posted by Dinah on February 28, 2002, at 10:24:00
Ahhhh, Dinah,
Husbands? No, never had one of them but I am familiar w/their work.
I think you know what's going on and I think you know how you feel about it.
What is left to do?
He can no more give up the bullying than you can walk out the house stark naked. If you can go on this way, arguing his good points, cleaning up after him, withholding sex, and venting your frustrations amongst your peers I'd say you have a pretty normal marriage.
If it were me I'd make one ground rule:
*No physical corrections whatsoever, to wit:
>
> Son has feet with shoes on sofa. Instead of reminding "son, shoes" he'll jump up and stalk over, grabbing feet off sofa.
Otherwise I don't see anything truly evil w/the man's behavior. Boring, predictable, defensive, sure, but no one's perfect.
The only recourse we ever have w/ others is in our response, it sounds to me like you've been passive and inconsistent in yours. One day you're brave the next day you're a harridan, you deserve better, no He deserves better, blah blah blah.If you love your husband I think the best answer is to just keep doing as you're doing, growing and engaging w/ the world, you're engaging honestly w/ us, helping a lot of people here while working on yourself. Your own self-flourishing will force the issue, like it or not.
After reading your post I felt proud of you that you're not some desperate female codependant whose exclusive focus is on making her man her project. It's fortunate that you don't have to
go through all that deprogramming, that seeing him as his own person doesn't mean you don't care, and that you wish you could help.I know how we women love to analyze men, but that can be harmful in a relationship, nevertheless I'm dying to have a go, so if you don't mind I'll do it. For you.
Your husband has problems, Dinah. That's an observation, it's an observation, and I think his conduct merits it.
Can you say that, my husband has problems? 'Cause 99 people might say so but yours is really the only opinion that matters. So the old man has personality problems, who doesn't?I'm a firm believer in demystification.
It's hard for men to look at their problems, they have the same kind of shame that "needy" women have and deny, though everyone else can see the embarrassing neurosis. One reason they have the neurosis is that they deny it, which they have to do b/c it's so all-encompassing.Your husband, being an average, psychologically snoring guy has mythologized his problems, they're his armor and his spear, they rule his life but they don't exist. It's his stuff, and you can't save him.
What you can do is advocate a reality check in your own mind. That's your stuff. If you won't bring yourself to say your husband has problems, be emotionally correct about it and say that you have a problem w/ his behavior. Make your therapist proud. And if you're having a problem in the marriage then so is he.
But you're not talking and that's trouble in any marriage. What's going on? You know how to express yourself, does that feel forbidden in your house, these days? No one is stopping you from speaking your truth. Of course this is where women f*ck it up beyond belief. Speaking honestly does NOT mean auditioning for the part of Mary, Mother of God, it means talking to the S.O.B man to man.
Come on, you're a world-class teaser, why not try teasing, joking, cajoling and mocking his outrages? It's hard to deny someone who's lovingly making your behavior into a burlesque.If this advice seems automatically out of the question chances are that too many resentments have built up and you're going to have to sit him down and yell and scream 'til godknows when YOUR anger is on the table. Yikes.
Well, it has to start somewhere, I always say getting a firm footing on one's own perspective is a huge accomplishment. I think once we do that doors can be opened.
take care
trouble
poster:trouble
thread:19013
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20020223/msgs/19030.html