Posted by White Rabbit on February 1, 2002, at 3:26:39
In reply to Re: Hell hath no wrath, posted by ST on January 31, 2002, at 17:46:24
I think you're right, his anger is misplaced, or possibly he felt, "She doesn't appreciate me after all I've done." I forgot about the hotel maid thing and the swampland, that must have got to him, but I think he misunderstood. I started having those thoughts when my life was very complicated...my mother, Medusa, lived nearby, and her involvement in my life caused constant turmoil. (She has since moved to Texas.) My son was flunking out of school, my boss was a demon sent directly from Hell to follow me around and jab me with a pitchfork, our 100-year-old house was deteriorating from a leak in the roof that we couldn't afford to fix, my husband and I were fighting from all the tension and I just wanted peace...I just wanted quiet and peace. Of course, he must have understood that to mean I wanted to get away from him.
Also, he might have been angry that I was "airing our dirty laundry" to a bunch of strangers, as if it would have been preferable for me to call his mother and tell her what a bastard her son was (which I never thought or said to anyone).
I didn't read my old posts because then I would want to explain them to him or defend myself, and he would just get pissed off again. A stronger woman could take it, but I can't. I will have to live with the fact that he blocks nearly every emotion except anger, unless the Pats win in overtime or PJ breaks someone's nose.
He is good to me. We argue like any couple, but as a child I was raised in a violent house - my parents beat each other and us kids, and we kids beat the hell out of each other - once, around the age of 16, I threw my brother headfirst through a plate-glass door, which did so much damage that he needed surgery.
I was so horrified and remorseful, I swore that I would never raise my hand to another human being, and I never have. I also told my husband I would not permit any kind of physical violence or punishment in my house - not to me, my child, to his friends - not to anyone. So we don't live that way.
Still, the fact that your husband doesn't beat you doesn't make him the perfect husband. I believe he is loyal to me. I was hospitalized twice in a year for mental problems and he was always attentive, coming to see me every day from the beginning to the end of visiting hours. Prehaps you read this before, because I don't write just to "badmouth" him. He was working overtime one night when I had a seizure from an overdose. My son called an ambulance and paged my husband, who rushed home just in time to watch the paramedic questioning me. I had come out of the seizure but was still confused...I could remember my age but not my birthdate, couldn't name the US President, remembered the name of the street where I lived but not the house number. The paramedic said I HAD to go to the hospital even though I didn't want to. The horrible thing was, in our city, the EMTs are part of the fire department and my husband, as a firefighter, was a friend of the EMTs. I was terribly embarrassed
for him, of what the EMTs must think of his junkie wife. My husband never mentioned it and it never seemed to bother him. Later on, at the hospital, I was so appalled by what I had done, so sorry that his friends had witnessed my stupidity, I cried with shame. He was amazed that I cared about something "so trivial". He kept saying that the important thing was that I was okay and alive. I was so greatful to him and the EMTs, who were so professional and whenever they saw my husband, they always asked with real concern if I was alright. I sent them a thank-you card.
I'm sure I wrote about that, but maybe he didn't read it or maybe the "bad" things I said about him were more important in his mind. He seems to be okay with me now, so I'll just take it day by day.
-G
poster:White Rabbit
thread:17457
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20020125/msgs/17659.html