Posted by akc on December 14, 2001, at 7:52:32
In reply to akc - How are you doing?, posted by Dinah on December 14, 2001, at 1:41:43
Dinah,
Thank you for asking -- it means alot.
I am still really struggling. And no -- my pdoc and I are still battling. She wants me to seek a consult with another doctor she works with -- I will go ahead and do so if he can work me in. Though I feel a bit paranoid that they were conspiring to get me in the hospital. His way of seeing me "quickly" was to admit me. However, he did make at least one suggestion about my meds (that I remember) that I was comfortable about, so seeing him might not be all bad. I just worry that she has "spoiled the pot" so to say.
My pdoc who left town for a few days and won't be back until I leave town for a week did make a med change -- though I haven't taken it yet. She added in the depakote (with a decrease in the lithium). My therapist (who is also an RN) without using these words pretty much said it was asinine to make a med change under those circumstances. So I don't know when, or if, I'll make the change.
Down the road, when I get through this and stable again, my therapist is going to direct me to one of the doctors she sends her clients to. I am going to go to someone with whom I will have a clean slate -- who I can give my complete history, but it won't be weighted down with all that medical jargon that contains preconceived notions. I just need that.
My therapist is with me staying out of the hospital for now. Even though I am engaging in some harmful behavior, I am not in horrible danger. And as long as I can work, even if inefficiently, she believes I need to continue to get up and maintain some routine -- that it is a victory in itself to do so. I know that I will feel even worse if I let my clients and firm down.
Some have posted that I should change careers, etc. But this is my career. I may change focus, but in my heart I know that I have what it takes to be a good lawyer and that it is a good fit for me. And whatever type of law I practice, I will always have clients -- so it is just very important to me that I continue to function, even if it is less than 100%. I whine about my inability to do so right now (about making all these mistakes), but I don't want to give in to the depression and hospitalize myself until I am in danger of serious injury or losing my life. That is not here yet.
I haven't been posting as much because how many ways can you say I'm lonely, I am depressed, I am anxious, I hate my life right now. I really do feel like a broken record. I haven't had a bad depression last this long in a while either. Usually by now something will have broken it. I wonder if I am not doing something to perpetuate it -- by continuing to drink and cut, I may be causing it to continue. And the stressors in this situation do remain (my mom's illness, the extreme busyness at work). Usually if there is a trigger, it is short-lived.
Well, once again I have written an epistle -- thanks for letting me share. I know you have been dealing with your own issues and I am sorry I have not been better at responding. I'm just trapped in my own little world. I hope you understand.
Thanks,
akc
poster:akc
thread:15510
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20011207/msgs/15515.html