Posted by Anna Laura on December 4, 2001, at 0:40:49
Hi Folks
I haven't been seeing my mother for seven years then my grandmother died and we met at the funeral. We both have changed a great deal throughout all these years: i've mellowed out, i don't get hurt as much as easily as i used to do and she quit drinking, which is a major change.
We managed to build a decent relationship, even if it's still very hard for me to open up. My mother was always away at work since i was a little child (she went back to work when i was just fifteen days old).
The times she was at home she would get rage outbursts very easily and beat me up. I grew up alone, not having anyone to trust and rely on .
When my father left home when i was eight years old i got depressed but didn't tell her. I was depressed for four years; i tried to approach the issue a few times but she would say something like: "children don't have real problems: i have a problem that is your father left me alone with three children after ten years of marriage".
The moral of the story is that i grew so used to bottle feelings up that i can't express my feelings to anyone right now. Our relationship changed a great deal: i used to be really scared of her, now i can look at her straight in the face and act like an adult. She believes i matured a lot and she is glad of it, but still i feel there's something missing: i'd like to open up, to tell her more about my life but i i' hesitate to do so cause i fear she woudn't understand. Nobody expresses his/her feelings in our family, my parents are both very conservative upper middle class northern italians: this means being very polite but cold and distant, viewing education like the most important thing of all, (better be dead rather then a college drop out) appearance it's more important then substance etc.... you know, it's odd, it's like being a part of a very strict english family rather then of an italian one. Last week i showed her an image portfolio for t-shirt screen-printing (i managed to create my own images on computer graphics for the t-shirts i'm planning to sell) and she would look at me as i were a bum. I don't take it personally anymore and don't get hurt cause i'm self confident enough now: i know who i am, that i am a valuable person no matter what oher people say etc...I know she loves me and she cares for me, still i miss the confidence and talkativeness the other mothers and daughters seem to have. A few months ago i finally managed to tell her i'm depressed and i must say she has been supportive, still she is somehow ashamed of it (she doesn't want other people to know about it).
A few weeks ago i was talking about depression in a loud voice and she would come up with this phrase: " Try to lower your voice honey, cause the maid can hear us ".
What do you suggest me to do?
poster:Anna Laura
thread:14856
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20011130/msgs/14856.html