Posted by Shar on October 30, 2001, at 21:57:26
In reply to Re: breakdowns » paxvox, posted by kid_A on October 30, 2001, at 13:48:11
I muse about living the path to a breakdown for a number of months. Starting with unemployment--not becoming employed again--losing everything, over time, that resembled self-confidence and self-esteem--unable to support myself with the job I finally got in June (after a year of being unemployed)--resorting to med assistance programs because I didn't have health insurance--depression deepening in a palpable way--watching as my fears are realized, one by one--a couple of months away from losing house, car--not knowing whether I could work again or not at what I used to do--contrasting reality now with the strong, effective, determined, competent person I used to be, always, always self-supporting, willing to take the hard road, and the high road--ideas of who I am yielding to consuming doubt.
affect flattens; mostly don't talk much anymore; reaching slows, will stop; loss of hope, bit by bit; the irony of a life affirming behavior while all I can think of is suicide; living with all of the above every day, the weight of it all pinning me down, so it seems.
"there is no pain, you are receding...a distant ship's smoke on the horizon. you are only coming through in waves, your lips move but I can't hear what you're saying..." Pink Floyd, The Wall
poster:Shar
thread:13047
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20011025/msgs/13197.html