Posted by akc on September 13, 2001, at 21:43:27
While I try to write so brilliantly above, the reality is that I continue to drift deeper below. For two days, I have contacted family and friend (very singular). Trying to not be alone with this shit when I get home from work. But I come home tonight and there is not one call. I, like many I hear, despise my job that I have no choice to stay in. But I can hardly work -- my mind gets going, going, going. Tonight is the worse -- the first the suicide thoughts begin to enter. My t is gone -- away from it all. Hiking, in Colorado. That tears me up for some reason -- I don't know. Is it because she is gone -- I don't handle her absences well. Is it because she is away from the craziness -- and I am jealous. I was set -- if you had seen me last Monday when she and I had met -- I was on top of the world (not a mania, mind you). This time was going to be a success. And now I can hardly work. Not only am I scared for my safety from the outside -- I am as scared for the safety from the inside. I wish I knew why I cry -- it started when I realized my t was gone. You have to know one really important fact -- I have the world's best, not one, but two back-up t's.
So it is great that I don't want to seek vengence on the world. It's probably because I can't make it a day without wanting to hurt myself in some way.
akc
poster:akc
thread:11342
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20010909/msgs/11342.html