Posted by mgrueni on August 24, 2001, at 15:21:09
In reply to family support, posted by paxvox on August 24, 2001, at 11:23:20
Hi Pax,
may I introduce myself to you before
I reply to your post? :o)
I am Michaela. Sounds like a foreign name? It is. I am german, which should explain my sometimes funny english grammar. So - here we go:< Why is it that sometimes family members don't support us when we are having bad times, or is it just me? Why do I feel like my illness is a pox upon them? When I need some love and understanding, is it too much to expect that from my spouse? >
Of course it isn`t too much to expect!
I was wondering about the same thing on many occasions whilst the 6 years of my relationship.< Is there some sort of defense mechanism that makes them mad at us because we are not well? >
What do you mean with *mad*? Is she shouting at you, telling you nasty and unfair things all the time? From my experience it isn`t a *defense mechanism*, but he sometimes simply doesn´t understand what`s wrong with me when I get depressed. The lack of an obvious reason confuse the *normal* people. Of course he tries to help me, but in a very rational way which doesn`t help me at all but makes things even worse. I usually can`t think properly when I am depressed and am already angry with myself for that. Now his constantly *pushing* me to try and understand that there *is* no reason to feel sad makes me feel like an inadequate crap and I get even more depressed. As a reaction on that he gets frustrated (maybe feels *not good enough* to help me himself) and sometimes a bad argue is the result of this misunderstanding.
< I mean, it's not like I'm not functional. I earn the only salary, I do all the cooking, I help take care of my 6 year old, I more than do my share at home as well as earn the money for the home..... >
Sounds dangerous to me, but I am sure this is not news to you. I am also that type of person who think she`s responsible for everything and has to do it all on her own. I am aware that I am making a great mistake by thinking (and acting) that way, but sometimes I just can´t stop it. Lucky me, at least my partner does know me well enough by now to stop me, sit me down on the couch and then he makes a coffee for me. Yes, really! Coffee has a *calming* effect on me. :o)
It`s important that your spouse understands that you *can`t* do it all on your own and that you need her help sometimes.
I wonder if she`s that kind of person who´s easy to talk to, but I am afraid, she`s not? Do you think it would be worth a try to explain her how you feel? Maybe she just isn`t aware of it, because you are not really honest with her? I learnt that I sometimes tend to expect my partner to be a mindreader. I thought it was obvious how bad I felt, so how can he ignore that?
After a long talk it turned out that it was partly my own mistake, as I (unconsciously) tried to hide my feelings because of an old *mental damage* I mentioned in one of my previous posts. I think of myself as someone who has to be strong *always*, doesn`t matter how sad I feel, I can´t allow myself to show it. So, I was doing a good job at it, my partner had no clue that I was down at all until I told him, using unmistakable words like "Look, I feel very, very down and I need you to comfort me. Just hold me and let me cry on your shoulder".< Now, she does have a thyroid problem that the endo doc cannot figure out, and clearly has buried a lot of life issues rather than face them, but it seems as if I have become the target for her anger. I thought I deserved some of it, but have changed as much as I can the past year to eliminate the things I KNEW I was doing wrong. >
:o(
That sounds as if you are very frustrated (understandable!). You are trying to keep in mind her Thyroid or whatever is effecting her way to act, changing the things she dislikes and she`s still using you as her *punching ball*. I don`t know much about your situation, but it seems to me that she really doesn´t know how much her behaviour does harm you.
Are you that type of person who always appears as a "nothing is too much for me, I am *so* strong" ?
If so, I know it`s very hard to change that, but you can`t expect her to know how you feel out of instinct. Maybe she´s just too busy with her own problems to be aware of your being down ?
Maybe you *provoke* her behaviour a bit because you don´t say "stop, I can`t take that any more!" ? It`s very nice of you earning the money, doing all the cooking and so on (every women`s dream, such a man!) But a relationship can´t be a *one way* road.
I hope you can sort that out with her and everything turns to a reconciliation :o)Micha
poster:mgrueni
thread:10128
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20010817/msgs/10135.html