Posted by AKC on July 28, 2001, at 20:42:02
There isn't really anything you all can do. My head is clear. This is all about not meeting my own expectations at work. They are happy with my work -- I put out good, almost great, work product for a very young associate. I just don't meet my hours expectation. I told them I would hit 140 (goal for new associates out my firm is 150 a month, something I have never hit in my year and a half). The problem is that I am not hitting 140 -- July will make two months in a row that I will come in around 135. I have until the end of the year to hit the 150. If I don't, I'll be moved to part time status (likely 80 or 85 percent) plus lower pay. However, in my mixed state bipolar over the past five years, I have put myself in one financial mess, and just can't picture the lesser pay. I just meet my monthly bills -- and the steep medical bills -- the steep out-of-pocket I pay to get the best damm therapy. The group I work with belongs to no HMOs -- less stress for the, but it makes it very expensive for me.
So after three great weeks on the topamax, I have hit my first trigger. I am not depressed in any way, and as I said above, I am clear headed. By my anxiety is off the chart. And I am feeling alone - one of those out-of-pocket weekends, with most of my close friends off to different places (las vegas, minneapolis - oh to be there, where it must be cooler than KC). You know how that happens, those weekends when you could use a friend, but timing is just wrong.
Anyway, I just mowed part the yard to try to burn some energy (and a few of these fat cells -- I am so tired of being obese -- damn the zyprexa and the lithium and the 100 pounds -- oh, by the way, even with a 100 pounds, I would still be classified obese on every type of chart -- sigh).
Sorry to be long winded -- you are such a captive audience.
A sad hounddog
poster:AKC
thread:8217
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20010726/msgs/8217.html