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Re: ditto ditto ditto an infinitum....etc.... » Anna Laura

Posted by dreamer on July 22, 2001, at 9:10:46

In reply to Re: ditto ditto ditto an infinitum....etc...., posted by Anna Laura on July 22, 2001, at 7:57:59

> > Props to the other posters, they're right-on.
> >
> > I can't imagine how cancer feels or how AIDS feels, but depression can feel like--dying.
> >
> > I don't even know if undepressesed people deserve to be shown informative, scientific/psychological info on depression. As a whole, they seem to just Not Get It. Eat potatoes instead of prozac, get married, paint, do some yoga, look at the bright side of things!
> >
> > depression is one of those confusing confounding controversial illnesses. i think of it like this: a reasonably happy healthy person doesn't know what major depression feels like, and I equivocate (is that a word?) to me (suburban white girl) not knowng how it would have felt to be a slave in the south 150 yrs ago. I can only vaguely imagine, and it exists in my mind as some sort of story, and to think that people really experieced the whole of their lives that way--well, it can be too much to swallow without feeling absolutely blastedly terrible.
> >
> > Unfortunately, depression is still highly stigmatized...I recently made the decision to never discuss it in dpeth with my friends...to some of my closer firends I say that I've got "some sort of mood disorder" but the masses--well, lots of them are depressed themselves and Know, and if they don't well fuck 'em.
> >
> > Is depression private for a reason? perhaps. i know nothing. i just know the differnece in people's understanding of it--and you'll see it in their eyes without having to explain.
> >
> > wishing you well,
> > sar
>
> Hi Sar
>
> I definetely subscribe every single line of your post.
> I saw my mother yesterday (second time in seven years). I felt terrible, i felt that there was a fire burning inside my head, didn't know where to turn, i had to swallow an antipsychotic just to look normal (trying to quit meds i suspect they're making my depression worse, still it's like jumping down from a ship in a middle of a storm).
> My mother asked me how i felt (i guess she realized i wasn't o.k.) i told her that i felt sick because i had my period. Couldn't eat, swallowing food was such a pain!
> My mother's fianceé realized i was forcing myself to eat; he asked me why ;"don't you like the food i prepared for you?" he said.
> "Sorry, i feel noxious" i answered.
> After eleven years of depression i realized i can't talk about it. I'm sick and tired of hearing words like "React!" or "Do something!"
> they make me feel as i was retarded.
> That's why i have to conceal my secret monster, depression. Another reason is that i'm afraid my family would put me in some kind of asylum.
> Yesterday i hardly made it trough the day: i felt like i did LSD; i could hardly understand what was going on, what people were saying, etc...
> In the worst moments i hid myself in the bathroom. That's the only think i can do: i just can't get any support. My fianceé wouldn't understand either. He was like" I know you don't feel so bad, you think you feel bad, you're just scared and fear makes you think you feel terrible wheares you'd only be a little sick.
> Fear is capable of making things look bigger then they're normally".
> When i told him i lost my ideals and i lost myself, the person i used to be, he would say things like: "it's just an impression, it's not real"
> "How can you tell this? You're not inside my head" i told him.
> "I can tell that because i can feel you"
> "I don't feel anything whatsoever instead and you're in denial because you don't want to face the truth".
> "You're not so sick" he would add.
> Then i would end the discussion saying :"o.k. you're right, would you leave me alone now ?".
>
> That's it folks. I think you are the only ones who can understand what i'm going through.

Hi Anna,
At the moment I am in a good mood but I can relate to everything you say and I know it sounds corny but had a tear in my eye.
You've probably heard many times that things will get better ,life does offer great joy, happiness although it can feel such a dark empty struggle and depression will never leave our lifes for our memories can be cruel and deeply set; it's such a slippy, rocky path up to that mountain but I wish you many wonderful veiws in the future.


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