Posted by Anna Laura on July 10, 2001, at 7:49:07
In reply to Re: Sexual fantasies and shrinks annalaura, posted by sar on July 10, 2001, at 0:49:45
> Anna Laura,
>
> I appreciate your honesty, too. Do you really feel like a man? Are you attracted to women at all? Were you sexually abused by a man or woman?
>
> Women have always been a a mystery to me too. Most of my friends have always been guys, not only because I feel more comfortable around them, but because they seem to accept me more than women do. I always feel like there's some sort of feminine secret that no one told me. I don't know how to act around women. I feel like if I had a male psych I'd either turn all flirty on him (if I felt attracted to him) or (if defintely *not* attracted to him I'd probably feel resentful and mistrusting...this may have to do with my physically/verbally abusive father, and my having worked as a topless dancer and cocktail waitress in stripjoints and compiling a lot of--mixed feeling about men.
>
> I wonder if most girls wonder if there's a Girls' Club that they've not been let into?
>
> I'm glad you've found something that works for you, Anna Laura. My male docs have flirted w/ me (one asked me, when i was 18, on a date! and he was married) which makes me resent them.
>
> It's all a matter of personal choice, if you feel more comfortable with X, be it man or woman, go with X.
>
> Are you Italian? Your English is really god, and you sound like a tough chick. (amazing girl, if your slang isn't up to par.)
>
> love,
> sar
When i feel better, i feel more "like a man". I mean, it's more like a "mental" rather then a physical kind of thing. I usually find more like-minded men then women, plus i feel kind of trapped inside this female body. I usually like it, but when i'm under stress or some kind of pressure this old uncomfortable feeling shows up again. It's difficult to explain, i guess my male parts of personality are preponderant. I'm not attracted to women though. I do notice the beautiful ones as i walk on the streets, but it's more an aesthetic kind of thing: it's like watching an art work I think it's because i appreciate beauty, so i'm looking at them as i were watching a picture, a flower, or a beautiful sunset etc....When i was 21 i wanted to figure out if i was a lesbian or not : i was telling myself that it might have been an unconscious thing and that i wasn't aware of it, rejecting it because of social stigma, so i tried to have sex with a woman: i didn't feel anything whatsoever and my female friend got hurt because of that. I told her it was nothing personal, that she was beautiful, but i couldn't feel anything: couldn't help myself : i liked men.
Unfortunatly, my male part is vanished: i miss it so terribly!
I think the root cause of it lies on the long lasting depression that robbed me of the aspects/qualities of my old self year after year. I had to adjust to get along with my female part only as a consequence; it's awful: when i miss my" male part", which it used to cover something like 80% of my personality, I feel kind of "crippled" and my female part is not adequate enough to face everyday tasks and problems, i feel kind of "uncomfortable", not brave enough, i feel like this is not me, plus i can't do sex too, 'cause i feel so vulnerable that the all sex thing gets kind of "disgusting" (i feel as i'm being raped/assaulted somehow). When i regain my male part i manage do to almost anything, i'm never scared :i.e. i'm not scared about walking alone in the strees by night, feel invincible (and this is absolutely not a manic/unreal thing because i've been assaulted and fought back in a way i made the guy got so scared he ran away from me). Sexual life is good, and i feel very strong and energic, self confident, want to socialize, i become entrerprising, willing to explore all sides of life.Unfortunately, it has been a long time since i felt that way: rmy male part is missing right now, mourning over it 'cause it made me feel so good!
My grandmoher used to be" manly" but in a different way: first, she liked women, second she had such violent rage bouts she looked like a mafia guy;(did you see Joe Pesci in "Good Fellaws"?) she was a teacher: when she shouted she was so powerfult everybody ran away/hid under the desks. My mother is that way also, she can definetely be scary: she was a District Attoney years ago (she is a judge in the Italian Court of Appeals right now) : when she was inquiring the prison inmates they were so scared that they didn't want to see her again. They used to shout: "i don't want to talk with that woman anymore!!!" before she came in. She got a nickname because of that : "the jails' terror". I was abused by her, that's why i was so scared of women.I'm glad you've found something that works for you, Anna Laura. My male docs have flirted w/ me (one asked me, when i was 18, on a date! and he was married) which makes me resent them.
Unfortunately the pdoc i used to get along with he moved to another city, so that i have to find another one. Moreover, i did meet him months ago, and i was dismayed to learn he changed; he got very cynical, lost his humanity. I think it depends on the fact he is a state asylum pdoc: i guess you grow indifferent by facing pure madness and despair every single day, otherwise you get a burn out. He was very much involved with his patients so i guess growing cynical it has been a way to protect himself. I miss the person he used to be.
Are you Italian? Your English is really god, and you sound like a tough chick. (amazing girl, if your slang isn't up to par.)
Yes i am italian living in Italy, thanks for your compliment! I really apreciated it.
poster:Anna Laura
thread:7149
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20010706/msgs/7281.html