Posted by 1love on May 1, 2001, at 20:28:47
I have long been aware of my obsessive behavior. I worry about things constantly. I sometimes have urges to do things like drive my car off an embankment and I conciously wonder what that would be like. Then I tell myself to snap out of it "that's nuts!" I have a compulsive urge to pick at things like zits, dead skin, my scalp (I even pick at my husband and children who treat it like a joke). I always say I got the "picker" gene but I was really kidding, only now I don't find it so funny. That's the only physical manifestation that I have and I am able to control it fairly well, like I don't do it in public. If I think back I can remember as a kid I used to shove toothpicks in my gums until they would bleed. I also used to play this game constantly in my head, if I did something (like finish closing the door for example) before a car drove by something good would happen, if I failed in my task something bad would happen.
My anxiety ridden thoughts are what concern me the most. My Mom is a checker. It took forever to get out of the house in the morning because she had to check everything so the house wouldn't burn down.
In some ways my obssessiveness with perfection has helped me in my career and in my artwork. In other ways it has prevented me from making decisions, AKA "analysis paralysis." I really am not interested in medicating for fear that it will alter my personality and my creativity, ironic huh. I have good self-esteem, I'm confident and generally fun to be around. People accept me the way I am probably because my behaviors are largely internalized. I just want to know if this sounds familiar to anyone. Thanks for tolerating my meanderings!
poster:1love
thread:5817
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20010417/msgs/5817.html