Posted by phillybob on April 9, 2001, at 2:32:32
In reply to Re: Help, my therapist... » phillybob, posted by Wendy B on April 5, 2001, at 15:56:22
> I guess you're 'not currently working' at a paid job, so you might have the time to write. Me too, trying very hard to get up the motivation to actually get out there and find something, I'm kind of afraid to re-enter the working world... Besides, I like having my days to myself where I can obsessively read the babble boards, among other things.
'Tis true about me not workin'. However, my dog is very happy about the situation.
I actually had worked in one occupation which I never liked that much (banking ... it's a longer and less exciting story than everything) ... for 6 plus years ... and even achieved success both professionally and financially from it. I had full scheduling flexibility and the only reportability (if that's a word) was that I was earning the organization money (which I was), so it was the perfect "hide out" job for me, for when "darker" days cycled in and out, which inevitably they would.
Having finally decided to run away from that circus, I have bounced around through 2 new occupations/jobs with significant layovers in between, as I can't expect myself to get a proper job when I'm not feeling properly! :) It will be a year in June since I left my old "career" (which I only went to about 7 years ago upon leaving a more desirous career, teaching, which required a tad more stability than I was able to bring along).
As far as work goes, I am with you on at least the part about needing to be motivated and fearing getting out there ... my fear most typically being having a sub-hypomanic start in a job only to burn out in a fireworks display of depression. Yuck.
I also don't know what I really want to be when I grow up ... though I am likely to attempt teaching anew ... if not for this darn persisent "cough." And finally most finally, I too (? ... I sense you have a wee yearning as well) would like to write ... in the least for fun! Unfortunately, I have never gotten past the very beginning stage in this (as well as with various and sundry other great ideas I've had; oh, what I've left on the drawing board!)
> I know neurontin is safe, I have seen it in action. The ex has been ok on it, but it still didn't eliminate a month-long bout of hypomania for him. I guess I was freaked out about taking the same thing as he was (uh-oh, now I really AM crazy). I had spent so much effort trying to get him to a therapist, and trying to get him to take meds, that I didn't know what was happening with me. Care-taking, gotta quit doing that someday...To be honest with you about the Neurontin, while my pdoc and I are aware of its safety, neither of us (pdoc in practice and me in my psychobabble-reading practice ... hey, it's a living!) have really seen its efficacy. From my understanding, it might work well as an adjunct with another mood stabilizer. The pdoc indicates that his patients on it are typically overly sedated and getting fatter, but not better. Regardless, I don't think it stops mania or hypomania on its own. But, what the heck do I know?!
As far as that "care-taker" thang, I would think that once you are healthy yourself, it would actually be a great quality! It must, though, be especially difficult for you, having this type of personality, to stop distracting yourself with caring for others and try to address your own deficiencies. It's so easy to fall back into the role, but be strong.
Do you know that when I was on the Topamax, I actually could see/realize how long life was and ... get this ... actually was thrilled by that concept and what it entailed [which was plenty of time to do plenty of things! I'm so philosophical ... :)]
> What have been interesting are the Lamictal postings, seems like that might be the med for me to take to counter the apathy, the inability to do anything except sit at my computer all day and pretend to be busy. Oh yes, and listen to music, and smoke certain hemp-like substances (the latter really gives me a kind of stimulating effect, believe it or not...)
I kind of fear the Topamax side effects as well but as I've offered, I'd re-visit it at a lower dosage ... but hopefully won't have to.
I can't seem to get off the computer myself. I am certain, though, that without it, life would be really ugly and perhaps not even life at all.
As far as hemp goes, it has been quite a long time, but I had stopped due to negative side effects with that as well. I'd draw into myself and be very depressed and, I guess, paranoid about myself. The one positive would be when it wore off, I'd feel so great in comparison! Go figure.
> > Yep, yep, yep, yep (Big Al from Happy Days, I believe ...
>
> Which one was he? The pizza place owner? I'm confused! What's new?Do I really have to answer this? :) Just kidding. I think (don't kill me) that he was the pizza shop owner (though there was an Asian guy runnin' the joint before him? but that was before the fire? am I hallucinating all this?). Later on, the guy who played Big Al did pasta sauce commercials ... it was very apropos.
These type of non-sequitars are the reason I am crazy ... um, I wish it were that simple.
> I like the turn of phrase, waxing and wanings of our optimism, can I use that in the novel? Seriously, though, it's a pleasure to read you...Thanks for the compliment and, of course, you may use it. I half-plagiarized (out of context and only partial) myself in this thread when I used the term "fireworks display" above (from Wilco's Summerteeth album song "Via Chicago").
> I'll make you a tape of the new Emmylou, if you'll make me one of Heartbreaker. I absolutely groove on Gillian Welch, do you have her CD 'Revival?'I would definitely be interested in a copy of Emmylou. I can certainly make you a tape of the Ryan Adams one. And, as far as Gillian is concerned, I love that album! It is so dreerily awesome! I picked up "Revival" over her other album (the one with "Morphine" on it) because I liked it so much. Do you have the other album and, if so, how does it compare? I thought "Revival" was her first and it seemed a bit more raw ... less polished ... and I liked that quality.
> What are your side effects right now? And you are titrating up very slowly, right? What is the max amount for the Lamictal? I'd really like to know more about its efficacy for you.
>
> (Uh oh, guess we should go back to the regular babble-board, we're talking too much about meds now! Shit, I'll never get it right...)Well, I've posted enough over there on the subject, but on this side of the Babblestar Galactica, I can pretend with you that I am the only one in the world who knows anything about this medication and share my knowledge with you! :)
First, I'd like to point out that, while I have not experienced this due to slow titration, that rashes are quite common of a side effect with this med. (I only reference this because you seem to have mentioned your body's affinity to find a good hive). Other than that, I have not read any other ones on the Pboard, but my pdoc has forewarned of possible headaches.
I am titrating slowly, per schedules posted in that lamictal thread ( http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20010302/msgs/55442.html
).I am currently at 75 mg/day and am experimenting by taking it at different times of the day. So far, I notice nothing (which for me, being very med-sensitive, I consider this to be a good thing).
Now, the addition of the Adderall is something that I am actually having good effects with initially (energy, motivation, concentration) ... but it is far too early to see if this improvement will be long-lasting (been there before with ritalin as a stimulant, topamax as a mood stabilizer and tons of AD's only to have that glass house shatter ... okay, that was the cheesiest analogy I've done here ... give me some slack).
The biggest thing for me, though, is actually finally being able to see what's been causing me such a f*ed up life (though my friends and even family would not be aware of such as I had been an actor extraordinairre ... but, alas, even this has become more difficult now that I don't have an acceptable occupation to hide behind). In the past, when I tried Anti-depressants (to no avail), I thought I was depressed because of my situations and that somehow I ultimately held the key to my wellness/caused the depressions. The positive experience I had with Topamax (so different from any brief positive experiences I had with Anti-Depressants) showed me otherwise and allowed me to KNOW that I am really a pretty damn great guy but just need a little pharmaceutical-tinkering. If this were the turn of the century, I'd probably just have a little compact full of snuff and write macabre stories like Edgar Allen Poe or something (though not quite as I'm not quite macabre).
> ... discourse always being a great thing to have when you're depressed... So you've dated 2 Wendys, that's interesting... I think. Yeah, we get called lots of other things, too, but Wendela is a biggie...
I really appreciate this discourse, too. Really. As a matter of fact, I had re-read our first volley of posts and wanted to cry ... okay, almost did ... umm ... maybe did tear just a small bit. It struck a chord. I am so jaded as to say it's easy to get emotional when one is in states such as ours, but nonetheless the timing and content was just right to evoke such for me. Thanks, Wendela (Whatever mutations there might be, I like this version the best).
Okay, good night or morning (oh yeah, insomnia can be a side effect of lamictal, too and probably adderall so I'm screwed :)
poster:phillybob
thread:5507
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20010404/msgs/5576.html