Posted by Noa on November 22, 2000, at 13:37:44
In reply to Re: Fair Enough; End of Thread » Dr. Bob, posted by Mark H. on November 22, 2000, at 10:42:19
> The vast majority of participants are among the most skillful, experienced, interesting, multi-faceted, delightful, helpful, kind, funny, intuitive, and passionate people I've ever known.
And, Mark, I have gotten to know some such wonderful people here who started out as highly reactive and hostile at first. Or, who had such periods of hostility and reactivity when they were in a particularly bad place. I myself have said some uncivil things and have learned from mistakes I have made here. Some babblers have even been banned for a while and came back. But people are multifaceted and I don't like to write people off completely, even if I don't condone uncivil behavior on their part.
I also think it is important not to jump in and always react to uncivil or hostile posts--and definitely think responding in kind is not a good idea. I don't agree with you that this is a place to correct other people's attitudes or problems. It is a place for mutual support. That doesn't mean we cannot disagree or confront each other sometimes. But I don't feel responsible to somehow correct anyone's supposed pattern of self-indulgence. To assume that self-indulgence is the problem is a big assumption. There is a lot we don't know about each other here.
I feel that my job here as a participant is to maintain good boundaries around myself. And to speak honestly about my opinions and feelings if I can do so in a way that doesn't add undue hostility here.
Dr. Bob has advised, at times, the following (I am paraphrasing--Dr. Bob, plese feel free to correct if necessary): if you don't think you can say something without bumping up against the civility boundary and possibly crossing it, it is usually a good idea to withhold your thoughts, or wait and restate them in a more civil way.
Shar, I am a lover of dark humor. My taste in films and books shows that. But good judgment about context and meaning to others here is also important. Dark humor in the form of sarcasm does have its risks in this modality, and I have seen it cause problems before.
Mark, I agree that I have withdrawn from some who made repeated calls for help and presented in dangerous conditions only to withdraw from the offers of help and support and come back again and repeat it. But I don't think that parodying that person would be appropriate either. People who have done that might need help seeing the boundaries, but they are really suffering tremendously--I have no doubt of that--even if it seems the crisis passes and they forget about it. I don't think adding more hostility to the interaction helps at all. I do think it is ok to state where our own boundaries are and what we can deal with or not, and even to withdaw, as I did, from responding to some people who I do care about but cannot deal with some of the ways they apprach and leave and ask for help, and seem to ignore it, etc. But there are others on this board who can tolerate that and have something to offer these people that I might not. I think at some point, Dr. Bob sometimes comes in and sets a boundary for the board, but sometimes a person can participate here within the boundaries of the board, but each of us needs to be aware of our own boundary needs.
Geez, I have no idea if this makes sense, I feel I have rambled on and overused the word boundary....
This dialogue is important. Dialogue is good. We don't always have to agree. I appreciate your considering other perspectives.
poster:Noa
thread:3070
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20001117/msgs/3156.html