Posted by Hannah on November 10, 2000, at 19:51:38
In reply to Re: Plans for getting through the holidays?-Long, posted by ksvt on November 2, 2000, at 20:14:36
Hi did things get worked out for you? I don't think you're being small-minded or ridiculous. I think any decision you make is fine. I hope you've made it by now and aren't still worrying about it. Sorry I don't have any words of wisdom but I do sympathize. I have fantasies of just leaving town with no explanations to anyone. So you're a better person than me whatever you decide! Actually I'll just muddle through as usual. Wishing you well.
> Please indulge this story of my own holiday (t-giving) dilemma, and tell me if I'm being small minded and ridiculous. For the last several years, any of my family members within hailing distance come to my house for dinner or to my brother's house - he also lives in my area. T-giving is probably my favorite meal to cook, I do it with relative ease, as things go, and I'm much happier not having to travel. This year, my 80 year old father has decreed that t-giving dinner should be held at his house, which is about 2 hours away. He, has done this, says my stepmother, not out of a desire not to travel, but rather out of a sense of nostalgia for a time when all of his kids would be there for a dinner hosted by my parents. The problem is that only 2 of the 5 siblings live close enough to go, my parents got divorced about 20 years ago, and my stepmother hates to entertain and hates to cook. She gets very nervous when there are a lot of guests, in fact most of my siblings and spouses pretty much pledged a few years ago never to eat another meal there because it made her miserable and she made us feel miserable. My father, in his myopic way, is oblivious for the strain this puts on her. She has inferred that this is not her choice at all. If the 2 of them come to my house, they'll drive over and stay the night. No one who would be going to their house, has the job or school flexibility to do anything other than drive over for the day. Therefore, his plan puts 9 people in 3 different cars on the road at night, 7 of them, over some very curvy mountainous roads. My children, who are 12 and 15, will drop in front of the TV as soon as they walk in his house because there is really nothing for them to do there, and they will only emerge for dinner. My brother and sister in law will have to spend the entire time following their 1 year old around because the house is not child proof in a major way. My father, very much out of the blue, wrote each of my children letters recently in which he expressed his strong preference that we travel to his house for dinner. Since he's written them each about 1 or 2 other letters in their lifetimes, I found this to be very manipulative. I have some pretty major problems with him so I don't trust my instincts on this at all. I vacillate between resenting the hell out of him for even creating this problem, to feeling extraordinarily guilty about being such an ungreatful child and thinking this is no big deal. My brother thinks it is no big deal to just say no to him. I have a tougher time. I can't talk to my husband about this because he's made it clear that he'll be very unhappy if we indulge this wish - he, too, hates to travel, gets bored silly in my dad's house and can't stand listening to my step mother banging dishes in the kitchen because she thinks people are lingering at the table too long. Any advice? Thanks ksvt >
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> Good question. I've had no family to celebrate holidays with for two years now. My dad is the only one left and he doesn't really know how to celebrate holidays -- they have always been another day in the year for him. I always celebrated with my mom and husband and his family, but that's over. So it's either leaving town to be by myself someplace restful, or trying to celebrate with a father who doesn't know how. Not much to look forward to. I'd leave town but I did that last year and got a lot of grief for it. I don't know whether I can get away with it this year. It's on the list of things to talk about in therapy. Meantime, I am anxious to get all of my Christmas shopping done asap I think in a vein attempt to will the holiday away. It won't work, but that doesn't make the anxiety go away.
poster:Hannah
thread:1927
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20001031/msgs/2505.html