Posted by Rainwoman on October 30, 2000, at 9:30:52
In reply to RAINWOMAN: How are you?, posted by shar on October 30, 2000, at 8:32:34
> Rain,
> I hope you are doing well, and had a few laughs at the party you went to.
>
> Please check in, and update (or, downdate as Coral said) us!
>
> Take care,
> SharHi Guys!
You won't believe it, but I actually am doing quite well. I went back to eating, vaguely wondering why I thought that was such a good idea. I'm actually eating a rice krispies bar as I "speak". So, go have a big mac Pullmarine! Let me tell you though, everything I have ever owned and not fit into since high school fits now. Last night Mr. "hands all over my butt" cooked me dinner too, mmm, german chocolate cake for dessert too. I actually really like him. The halloween party actually was fun. I went as the "one nightstand". My costume came out pretty good. I put a lampshade on my head with a flashlight in it, and made a circular cardboard "table" to go around my waist and I put condoms, a watch, a big ben clock, a remote, cigarettes and an an ashtray, a couple of strategically placed thigh highs. I had Paul, the guy I actualy kind of really like pin all these pairs of boxers and underwear to his chest, and he was a chest of drawers. A guy must really like you to do that for you, don't you think? All these people kept telling me in one fashion or another "We've been hoping that Paul would meet a nice girl like you" and then telling me how wonderful a person he is. We were up talking late last night and I am exhausted at work today. He doesn't know about my illnesses. I guess since I'm not so far down I just want to pretend I'm normal and can have a normal life. I know it will come back though. My meds aren't right yet. My pdoc is going to kill me when he finds out that I quit Celexa after just three days and didn't call him. It's so wierd how when I am really down I just hurt so much I don't care about anything except dying. Everything is just this huge effort. I don't want to tell Paul that, it is so awful. He seems to see me the way I wish I was. He told me he thinks that I'm funny, sweet, and a really good genuine person last night. He is just about everything I could want in a guy(not just because he said that, he's just kind, sweet, likes to do the things that I like to do when I actually can experience some form of pleasure). I feel like I am living a fantasy. How could I tell him that I can go so far down that the past three weeks I regarded not eating as just the greatest idea I ever had and lost 17 pounds before I stopped. I feel like it's not fair not to tell, but for once I want to enjoy the fantasy that I could be normal and even have a family of my own. I'm so tired of hurting all the time. I know this is all going to come crashing down on me. I know when it does I won't survive it. Too add that kind of hurt to the depression is unbelievably to scary to even contemplate. Ugh, just the thought is so alarming, I feel like I could barf up my rice krispies and cheese breakfast of champions. I want to just enjoy what I am feeling right now, but it's impossible when I have to keep aware of the fact that this is just temporary and I think I might need some kind of plan when it decides to reinvade my life. Geez, what a pain in the ass. Are you glad you asked Shar? Well I better get back and salvage what is left of my job. Thanks so much for caring you guys, I guess it does mean alot! Sorry about the long and totally randomly written post. I did take my ritalin today, but I seem to be all over the place still. I also seem to have some kind of affinity for the word "actually". Oh well, no time ot fix now!
Hope things are at least bearable for all of you!
Michele
poster:Rainwoman
thread:1859
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20001011/msgs/1860.html