Posted by laural on October 25, 2000, at 11:01:55
In reply to Laural, posted by Rzip on October 25, 2000, at 1:51:13
good morning! its the first time in about a month that i've gone to sleep at "night" (5 am) and woken up in the morning (10 am). lately i've been having some thought blocking--forgetting what i was saying--and i think my logic has become circular again (as opposed to linear) to a certain extent. my boyfriend and i have been playing a game called Parasite Eve and i've been having nightmares about it. i love science fiction but it really stresses me out a lot. my imagination runs away with my mind and i can start having REALLY bad panick attacks or something--just freaked out about monsters and aliens and ghosts. Star Trek can even scare me. I would love to follow X-files but I wouldn't have a prayer. Before I started anti-psychotics more often than not, I slept with my mom, would be terrified of the dark, and slept with my head under the covers. A lot of times I wouldn't even sleep, I would just lie awake and cry silently so the monsters wouldn't hear, my heart pounding. I feared for my mom, too--afraid that they would take her away too. Anyway i told you this because i'm noticing these things coming back. I burn incense in the apartment and have my "protectors"--like a rusted iron angel from a trophy i found in the street and my Virgin Mary icons--I'm not catholic, nor of any other organized religion, but Mary has always comforted me. I hate the smell of incense--: ) its really clausterphobic. i have to have a window open or the AC on at all times ( my boyfriend and I go round and round on this, as he is always cold) and can't stand riding in a car without the window open a crack. I guess i'm pretty neurotic and superstitious. Anyway that's whats come over me lately, besides of course my strange sleeping habits. Its exhausting to stay awake for more than a few hours. My mom used to have hyperthyroid when she was a kid and recently found her thyroid to be reversed, so I'll definitely make somebody hear me this time when i ask for a thyroid check. wouldn't it be strange if all this time I got my condition from my mom and not from dad's side of the family? : ) My mother is and has always been so stable, she hasn't had a lot of self confidence in her younger years but she really is a brick (and I hate saying that, somehow, like nothing affects them. its not true, just, they know how to deal--so healthy). a friend of mine that i haven't talked to in a long while called me up the other day and wanted me to go dancing with her. I hadn't brushed my hair in a couple of weeks and i have really long hair--or had. She came over and spent an hour or more trying to make my hair look acceptable and then forced me to go out with her. Wow, i hadn't been out of the house for a while. I'm currently not going to work. Being in public was somehow refreshing, albeit uncomfortable. I can deal with discomfort however. Simply the fact that she cared enough to pick me up and make me live for a night was so nice. then she came over the next day and pulled me out of bed and finished brushing my hair. It took 2.5 more hours! she told me if i ever pulled something like this again she'd shave my head! : ) THEN she gave me a haircut, she cut off about 4 inches, but it feels like a lot. THEN she put a red rinse in my hair to bring out the auburn. i had kind of shied away from her for a while because it seemed that all i did was provide emotional support to her and recieved nothing in return. I felt this way about another female friend of mine too. then i read about co-dependancy and realized i WAS getting something out of the relationships and that was to feel needed and i think thus, my self-esteem rose. At the same time, i really appreciate support from other people but it never seems to work that way. it always seems as if my problems are too complicated to talk about with other people. for one thing, i think there are more people with personality disorders and depressives out there than schizo-effectives, or at least i haven't come across any in awareness. and i have met many many many people with diagnosed mental disturbances. i guess misery loves company : ) anyway i don't know how much of this board is me wanting to help out and how much is me wanting to feel good. please don't take offense at the post where i said i can't be everything you need because i didn't mean to imply that i didn't want to deal with you anymore. but thanks for asking how i am : ). note: its great however that my boyfriend and i don't seem to be co-dependant in any way that i can tell. it is a very equal relationship for once in my life! anyway, talk to you soon. laural
p.s. i hope to not exclude anyone from this thread. please feel free to comment-L.
poster:laural
thread:1591
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20001011/msgs/1595.html