Posted by BrianD on August 27, 2000, at 3:44:20
In reply to Re: hearing voices again/HELP!, posted by kellyR. on August 26, 2000, at 0:17:47
Hey Kelly,
I have a sister named Kelly... a sweet kid but sometimes I think she suffers from PMS - PERMANENT Menstrual Syndrome!!!
I too have been pondering the suicide route, but one thing confuses me... when I am having days that are more up than down, I feel like everything is going to be OK, and the thought of suicide seems silly to me. But then again, when I am down, the thoughts reoccur.
I don't know what to think or believe anymore, it seems that someone else is pulling my strings and I hate that feeling of not being in control. Sometimes I say to myself that if I do commit suicide I'm just letting the bastards win... because that's what they want. Other times I'm so overwhelmed that I don't care if they win... then I'm back to ok again and suicide is the farthest thing from my mind. So I have to continually ask myself - Where does reality lie? Do I actually want to do myself in, as I feel like doing when I hit bottom; or do I want to live, which there isn't a question about when I'm not on the bottom? Which scenario is the truth, where the hell does reality lie?????
To say I am confused is to state it mildly, (damn I wish everything was black and white instead of this numbing shade of grey) to say that I don't want to let the bastards (whoever they are) win is mild as well. I know one thing, that however out of control I feel, I know that I have control over whether or not the bastards win... and I am not going to give them the goddamn satisfaction!!!!
Stick arround, don't let the bastards win. I'd like to chat with you some more.
Brian
poster:BrianD
thread:34
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20000813/msgs/246.html