Posted by jacs on October 6, 2007, at 9:02:29
In reply to Re: Narcissistic Mother/Parent + Dangers, posted by happyflower on October 6, 2007, at 8:08:11
Yes, of course your post helps. Thank you for writing. I only recently pinned the "diagnosis" on my mother because I could not for the life of me figure out what on earth was and had been happening all these years. Last night I had an interesting conversation with a friend. She said that I was in fact the "mirror" to the narcissist mother. She said that I mirror every value my mother does not have and that mirror sees through her actions and she will fight me forever. I was sorta stunned by the comment, but in many ways it made sense. These are values(mine) my mother does not have and they involve having empathy for others, for starters. My friend also said, because I was born in a family of three and I am the youngest, that from her experience as the middle child, the oldest or the youngest takes the "hit." My older sister disengaged long ago and that was her way of dealing with "it"...my middle sister, who we lost to cancer six years ago, found what my friend calls a "niche." She sister moved to the West coast as far away as possible (we all had different ways of dealing with this and I think some of it was on a subconscious level), but my middle sister got along with my mother, she never was a the pawn I was. And I didn't get far enough away and I became the resource for my mother...the responder...the one who feeds her narcissism and I have paid dearly for it. That relational bond, the first relational bond we all have, for me, was never there. I have grown so tired of a mother who has to compete with her daughters and then cross-compare them and reduce me to nothing, that I never discuss myself anymore and I have not spoken to her for several weeks. When you cannot talk about what brings you joy, or what your achievements are etc. etc. that is very sad to me. This is parent that never evolved and remained like child, a constant "me" centered child who, because she has not evolved, has missed out on some life's great wisdom....
The guilt is powerful as you well know, but I cannot bear to see her or be near it. I feel like it sets me back more and more. The hardest part is to detach without hanging on to the anger I have for her--it is fierce. The anger is repulsive to me and it sits there waiting to be re-worked and it's hard for me. Anger comes from pain doesnt' it? Some anger I guess. I am glad you wrote. Not an easy topic and here I fnd myself apologizing for even putting the post out there. I have spent my life apologizing for what I think and who I am; after awhile you are not sure who you are because you have allowed people to tell you who you are most of your life. This was the first year I finally told a "friend" who is the male version of my mother....that I hope someday he will stop telling me who I am, because it is not for him to decide. That was huge step for me.
Last night, I had a dream about a woman who is very much like my mother and the dream I had was that her house had been demmolished and the land was cleared and exposed earth was all you could see...all I can think about with that dream is "rebuilding" and starting anew....I have had several dreams in the past month as if my mind is purging itself of all this pain and forcing me to look at these people, at my choices, reminding me of how much they all have in common and then of course, I have to look at myself. What makes this hard, is that when you have not had the nurturance that a relatively normal kid has, you spend a lot of time seeking approval and you start to feel like the narcissist yourself and that concerns me..almost as if it was passed on and I have to fight that and put it in perspective, because I don't need all the air in the room, so to speak. I have a step-sister who is just like my mother...ugh...But I do feel let down when friends don't come through on promises, etc. it triggers the loss in my early years and so I am left to deal with them. Tough road. I am glad for you to have the guts to walk away and to protect your family. I have a friend you did the same thing and never regretted it...she has warned me often that sooner or later I will need to walk away and its hard to do it, because my mother's life has been very hard, but these are choices she made that impacted her children as well, but she does not see that. I have empathy for her, where she has none for me or her ailing late husband.
She was fed up with parenting by the time I was born and my step-dad used to tell me that for me, that was not necessarily the worst thing because he felt I would have had been less influenced by my parents and have more independence in many ways and I do defy most of all my mother stands for....I miss my step-dad and all his wisdom and trying to put a positive spin on the negative.
Thank you for sharing and if you read all of this....thank you for reading! I find most people who have the experience I have, cannot get to close to it-- that is how powerful and painful it is as if pieces of its "hook" are still in your skin, or the scar is so big your skin is pulled so tight it feels like it will break open.
have mercy on yourself....
jacs
Hi Jacs,
>
> I have read your post awhile ago, but I identified with it so much, it was hard to respond. I too had a mother who has a major personality disorder. She sounds a lot like your mother in ways. Especially about making other relatives pawns in her game.
>
> After my father died, I had no reason to keep in contact with her. She did something really awful to brother, and after that I had to take my personal safety and my DH and kids safety in mind. I have had no contact with her since early 2000. It was the best thing I ever had to do. It wasn't easy because relatives would call and say horrible stuff and write, etc. But they didn't know her true self, they only saw the mask she very wore very well.
>
> I tried to tell a few relatives on my dad's side of the family but because of their relgious beliefs, they can't except someone who doesn't "honor thy parents", even if she was an abusive monster. So I do feel somewhat abandoned by family members, but I am glad I have my own family, one that can hopefully grow without the outside influence of my "bad past".
>
> I stopped the cycle of abuse when I had my kids, they will never have to know what it is like to grow up the way I did. In a way I had to disengage from my mother to keep my family and myself mentally and physically healthy.
>
> I don't know if this helps, but I wanted to know you are not alone. Good luck
poster:jacs
thread:784918
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/relate/20070210/msgs/787227.html