Posted by sanjonlight on August 12, 2007, at 4:17:01
Hi Everyone,
I am new here.
I would like to hear about anyone's experience if they saw their parent's getting it on at an early time of life. like around 4-6 yr old.
I am 49 and since adolescence i have much difficulty getting into a physical relationship with women. it is like on some level i dont want to. i am good looking, intelligent, active, everything a woman wants but i have an invisible "field" around me that prevents relationships. I dont mean to sound like a victim, I am just describing what it feels like. Once i get to know a women and we get past the first stages of intimacy, I open up more, and a relationship will flow smoother.
I have worked on overcoming/accepting me all my life. once, at about age 22, i was so tired of wanting to connect with women and not doing it was so painful and frustrating that i just surrendered. i said, if i am not supposed to be with women, then i so be it. and what happened next was truly amazing. I felt total sadness and loss, those emotions washed over me, then i felt a relief that i didnt have to "want" women any more. suddenly, I no longer had this constant need and desperation for "having a girlfriend" that i had felt since 5 yrs old.
I was sitting at a traffic light the next morning after a night of drinking at a local bar when this happened. After that feeling of relief, I actually felt attractive for the first time in my life it appeared women found me so as they looked at me in my car. my beliefs about women changed in those few moments. for example, I knew that women liked sex and were sexual beings. before and after i dont have "access" to that and believe that women dont like men or sex.
Then i drove to a flea market and met a young woman selling her stuff getting money to go to a pottery school. the first time i ever flirted or spoke metaphorically in language to another women, i spoke to her about her garden, mellons, her teapot...I also viewed rejection differently, I welcomed it ! I really believed that it was the womens' loss and to me to be rejected was just information. NEVER had i even dreamt of having such an attitude towards women. My family is non-church going and i started praying to God for a girlfriend since i was 13, and by about 15 i gave up on God until i was 19. So what does "having a girl friend" mean to me psychologically?
so i ask the girl at the fleamarket for her telephone number and she gave it to me. and so as i was driving back to my parents' house i had a thought, a thought i consider to perhaps be the crux of the problem and very sinful. i thought to myself that i would romance her and break her heart (hurt her emotionally). and I can not allow myself to do that. and so when i went out with the gal at the fleamarket i had digressed, and was not talking as eloquently or flirting and didnt "know" she liked sex. so the date fizzled, i went home frustrated. I still to this day work to understand this. I have studied NeuroLinguistic Programming (NLP) quite a bit and i can have come to understand what happened that day from the view point of NLP which has helped.
It is frustrating to know what is out there for me and yet still not be able to grasp it. At the time of my experience, i thought it was more of a spiritual awakening, but now it looks like emotions, values, beliefs, started to shift and clear but I didnt get it cleared completely. my psyche was revealed to me.I feel there is something in my past that i dont want to remember, like seeing my parents having sex and me not knowing what to do. like i had seen something i was forbidden to see. from the young childs viewpoint, seeing adults having sex looks violent.
Yes, i have spoken to my parents and siblings, they say they remember nothing out of the ordinary that happened.it is late and time for bed.
thoughful comments welcome. I will try to answer any questions.
poster:sanjonlight
thread:775693
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/relate/20070210/msgs/775693.html