Posted by clarence on June 14, 2007, at 4:53:01
So many of you are sooooooo lucky . At least "love" is at your disposal or availability. I am so alone and I have always been a romantic. My depression has effed up my self esteem, my confidence and more. Not that these things are any different from a lot of you. It just makes me wonder how long I can go on in this love sick mode. I do not feel very marketable. I am on dis-ability and can not work full time. I have TRD. It seems as though my mood disorder has changed so much of me. Yet I am who I am and at the same time know that someone should need or at least want my love. My situation is complicated. I feel like i have lost my looks. Even though I am told I a do not look my age and I am handsome, but the "beast" lies to me and gets in the way. It is a big part of what drives and perpetuates my anxiety and depression. I used to have my own business and a good income ( even though I fought my mood disorder then) I now feel like I am not worthy. I get sad when I see atttractive women. I self medicate and know it is only temporary for my brain and my sadness. I feel like I am dying of a broken life, A broken heart, and more. I am cursed with the whole depressive BP II thing, OCD, social phobia and who knows what else. GO**amn I used to have more.....much more of a life and now each day is so much of a struggle. Guys , Gals o0f PB I had to change my PB name for some reason.... I am previously known as snapper) and hope to work out the details of getting my origional posting name back. When I want to cry, I do. Most do not see the pain. I am currently recieving VNS therapy as some of you may know ( or not) I feel so bad for screwing up and drinking while getting this "hopeful" adjunctive therapy. Sometimes I feel like leaving this life but something keeps me going. I have been fighting this crap for over 17 years. I could go on but just wanted to get this out there. Thanks to anyone who reads this and has any understanding of what it is to want and have that eternal love, want and hope for that hug and kiss of someone who may love and understand me and accept me for what my brain is and does and not my heart. I have quite a bit to offer but my brain says Fu*k you to me and lies and tells me I am a loser.
C
poster:clarence
thread:763097
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/relate/20070210/msgs/763097.html