Posted by inthegloaming on May 10, 2007, at 1:19:51
hi all,
so... where to begin.
about nine or so months ago, i moved across the country for work and met a wonderful girl. i was hopelessly in love with her, though she was ultimately hesitant because she'd just gotten out of a long term relationship. however, during a blissful week-long vacation, we had a romance. i was happy beyond belief and was dismayed when she abruptly called it off upon our return home. she wasn't quite done with the ex, it seemed, and, while i was greatly hurt, we remained friends.that friendship blossomed into a great one. we hung out almost every day, gossiped, went out together, etc. i was there when the ex (now ex-ex-ex) was being crazy and for their ultimate breakup. she was there when i was dating a wacked-out alcoholic who broke my heart. etc. etc. etc.
not long ago, she professed to me that she once again had feelings for me. my immediate reaction was 'no no no' and told her as much. then i began to rethink my decision and thus began a string of 'back and forths.'
during this time, i began to become increasingly more panicked. i would push her away and we'd decide to be friends but as soon as she withdrew, i'd want to be with her even more. i was afraid to have sex with her (have always had issues with that) and she'd tell me that i wasn't affectionate enough.
it's just gotten so much worse lately. we took a day trip together and it kind of ended up a big mess. she kissed me and i didn't feel anything. we had a big discussion in the car and i stayed over at her house and woke up in a sweat and then woke up again crying. i just love her so much and have all the reasons in the world to be with her but i don't know if i can right now.
i'm just wondering if there are any others with PTSD out there who have experienced similar things to what i'm going through, like panic at what might be a great thing but could also be a big risk, loss of feelings for people you love (like wanting to hold them one minute and run the next), fears of sex and intimacy, feeling odd about being loved... it's all so muddled in my head, i wonder if this even makes sense.
sigh. off to bed.
--gg
poster:inthegloaming
thread:757332
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/relate/20070210/msgs/757332.html