Posted by karen_kay on February 7, 2007, at 6:29:49
mania/depression?
mr kk (poor, poor man) has become the brunt of my anger this time around. and unlike the other times with this illness, i've become mean, very mean, for me. i'm throwing things, in his general direction when angry with him. i've come very close to hitting him with a shirt. and this is not me. this is my mother. that's the scary part. these are behaviors i remember my mother exhibitting and that's what scares me.
and i know he's struggling. and i can be mad at him one moment and break down and cry the next, but that doesn't make it any better. see, i'm crying now. but, that doesn't excuse it. but, i don't feel i can stop it, not in my state of mind right now (for those who don't know, i'm manic and my fing doc's have upped my topamax so high i should be completely lethargic right now, i'm not. my respirdal too. again, i'm not. i sleep at night, but wake right back up, feeling like i'm on crack cocaine and have been for years, constantly. or, i can only imagine that's how it would fel, as i haven't used crack for years at a time....)
anyhooooooo. i need to calm down. and yes, i suppose i could do like th ecrisis line suggested and count to ten before i hit him, but that would only make me hit at him 10 X harder, for making me wait that much longer.
so, any suggestions? i really don't feel it's a good idea for him to leave right now (though that was an idea for a while. we saw my therapist together and she thought it not a good idea for me to be left alone for a while).
i just don't want to be this way. i don't want him to see me this way. i don't want to do something he'll remember for a long time (especially since i'm having a hard time remembering things i do anyway).
i'm not an angry person at all. and this time, it's manifesting in anger. don't get me wrong. i'm not punching walls. that would be way out of line. and i'm not doing anything at all like that with the kids either. seems i'm saving it all for mr kk. but, i'm snapping at him quite often (not like me really). i awake him with snotty comments and mean looks). i flip out at nothing. just, compared to how i normally am, i am coming across as very mean and hurtful and it's causing him a whole lot of pain.
help, before he decides to leave me too!
plus, then, i have the added stress of guilt from all this. i need him to be able to not internalize all this. no, i need some xanax. is there a doctor in the house?
poster:karen_kay
thread:730689
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/relate/20060920/msgs/730689.html