Posted by DannaB on January 24, 2007, at 1:48:47
I just had a big long talk with my boyfriend. We are pretty close to breaking up but we are trying to make it work.
I am starting to recognize a pattern; in fact he named it outright. What he described is that I view every neutral situation as negative. He said that any time there's a chance to read something two different ways, I read it the negative way. This puts a lot of strain on him because it means that he has to reassure me (for example, that he cares about me and that x, y, or z doesn't mean the negative thing I thought it did). I almost felt that he was telling me that my "reality" is unreal. All of these interpretations are negative in the sense that they reflect a belief that someone is rejecting me in some way.
Furthermore, it almost seems like I "hear" comments that reflect the negative thoughts that are going around in my head. (For example, I said to him, "maybe you think I'm bringing this up to get attention" and he denied saying anything at all like that. I belief the "doing this for attention" thing originated in my mind and therefore I interpreted other comments as including this message when they really hadn't.)
I can see that this is a pattern of mine, and believe it has greatly strained my relationships. After all, who wants to date a high maintenance girl who is distrustful, worried and anxious when there are laidback, easy, happy girls out there? Who wants to constantly have to provide reassurance?
It all comes down to my deep-seated desire to be loved and the belief that I'm unlovable and will be rejected. This goes deep to my core, all the way back to earliest childhood.
I truly wonder if it is at all possible to overcome this. I don't know how I can possibly interpret situations differently; this is such a deeply ingrained pattern of thinking and so many of our thoughts happen subconsciously and instantaneously. In a way, trying to learn a different way of thinking is like realizing that my "reality" isn't real or accurate. Learning a different way would be like living in an alternate reality. It's scary to even think about this. "Reality" is the basis upon all of the actions we take.
So...am I so messed up that this is impossible to fix? It feels like an insurmountable problem. It affects my romantic relationships, my friendships, my work--everything. Yes, I'm in therapy, but I honestly feel that much of our work is focused on keeping me from crisis and to pumping up my self esteem. In fact, my shrink seems to believe that my main issue is my BELIEF that my thoughts & actions are wrong, so a lot of the work focuses on his supporting my choices and pointing out my sucesses.
poster:DannaB
thread:725854
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/relate/20060920/msgs/725854.html