Posted by llrrrpp on June 20, 2006, at 10:03:28
I recently took a 24 hour babble-break. That might not sound like a lot, but it gave me a chance to cool down, take a deep breath and do some reality-checking. I used that opportunity to connect IRL to 4 important people. The 4 main men in my life. Husband, Brothers, Dad. I figured out what's what. I had four very interesting conversations.
The brothers I spoke with for the first time about my mental illness. That relationship lesson was about trust. Do I trust these guys to handle my situation with sensitivity and caring? Do I trust them enough to make them part of my social support? Do I trust them not to abuse my emotions or bully me as they have in the past? Well, the only way to find out is to give them a chance. So far so good. I even found out that my older brother was on Li for a while. Apparently there's now schizophrenia, Major Depression, AND Bipolar in my immediate family. Good to know, though. I'm not sure when my older brother grew into a supportive guy. He always struck me as extremely volatile, inconsistent, full of rage, and narcissistic. So, maybe this is a new page in our relationship. I trust him, and he doesn't use me as a punching bag- a tool to manipulate my parents. I really hope so.
I spoke with my husband about the meaning of fidelity. I showed him some of my writings, since I don't often show him that side of me, which tends to have freer expression of emotion. We decided to send each other more letters & e-mails, and I learned the importance of listening to my heart when it comes to fidelity - if we felt we were true, we were true. Only our *own* actions can make us feel guilty, not the drunken gropings of a stranger in a bar, or the uncomfort of having an amourous co-worker.
My dad I spoke with about whatever his Wernicke's aphasia brought to mind. Bridge, blue clarinets, conspiracy theories. That relationship lesson is about patience. Patience with a capital P. And forgiveness. He doesn't remember anything. Expecting an apology, or even a fleeting guilty thought is fruitless. The past is opaque to him. A void. Is his brain damage a gift? I don't know. I really don't.
poster:llrrrpp
thread:659134
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/relate/20060511/msgs/659134.html