Posted by Joan797 on April 25, 2006, at 15:25:09
I contacted him a few months ago to tell him about my Dad. In that short period of time I have had on again off again contact, but only when his current "love of his life" gets p'od at him and moves out. I made it very clear that I was just leaning on a friend in a very trying time, and didn't want anything else. Conversations never revolved around me or my Dad, but always about how he felt he had f'd up and about how she had done him wrong. Although this upset me, I continued to hope that I meant enough to get the comfort I was asking for eventually. Long story short, she would move back in, and he would just drop contact. She would move out, send me dirty messages, he would call, and this went round and round for over two months. I finally was caught in a very vulnerable situation one night started to believe that he cared and after his constant begging I called. I was emotionally a wreck, I stated that I couldn't handle anything he had to say, and would call the next day. Of course he was a no-answer for over a week. Then the final message arrived, stating that she was back. This time, this time for the first time he severed the life line. He said things about her that he had said about me many many times. She means the world to him. I heard that too. She is the reason he is still alive today. I heard that a million times. She gave him love and support when noone else would. Again, I heard it too. But that last phrase, that one last thing he said, that one cut the apron strings. Because if he hadn't of left me I would have continued to give that love and support that noone else would or could. I was told that she gave his something I couldn't or wouldn't. Yet he was the one who broke things off, not me. I am so upset over that phrase. I did nothing wrong to him. I am hurt. I am furious. And finally I did what I should have done a long time ago. I told him exactly how low I thought he and her both were. I explained that I simply reached out in a time of need for friendship. They both used me against each other, blamed me for their problems, and made my life hell in the process. No concern for my feelings about my Dad. Just she did this, he did this, you can have him, I don't want her bullsh*t. I told him I was done. I said I wished I had never met him. I said that he didn't deserve her. She has been told the same lies I was. I called him a lier and a user. They both are. I told him that I was sick to my stomach over reading what he wrote, especially since he said the very same words to me time and time again. And the fool I am, I believed them. She believes them now. I said I never ever wanted to hear from him again. No matter what happened, I was dead to him. I don't believe that someone can tell you they care about you and treat you like you are the problem in their life when you need their friendship the most. Now I am physically ill. Have been drunk for days. Feel as if my life is over. And d*mn me, I still love him, and I wish I had never said what I said. How pathetic is that. Every night I cry and don't sleep. Every morning when everyone else is asleep, I sit, and smoke one cigarette after another as all the tears fall and I know in my heart that I just won't ever love that way again. I've not only lost him, I've lost my ability to love. I know I will never trust anyone fully again. I know I will never feel those feelings again. I know that no matter what he's done, noone will ever take his place in my heart and it makes me so furious that I still feel that way. It's been three years. How many more do I have to live?
poster:Joan797
thread:636959
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/relate/20060220/msgs/636959.html