Posted by Tamar on November 7, 2005, at 13:44:26
In reply to what does it mean to be in a relationship?, posted by asya on November 7, 2005, at 10:59:47
Hi Asya,
> I am a 27 yr old professional female who has never been in a relationship. I have had some incredibly rewarding and fulfilling friendships with both men and women and I have felt love this way. However, for some reason, whenever I think about relationships, I feel uneasy. I feel I don't know what it means to be in one or HOW to be in one.
What does the idea of a relationship mean to you? I think it can mean different things to different people. And people sometimes want different things from them, especially at different stages of life. When I was in my early twenties I wanted relationships to be fun and exciting and I wasn’t as interested in commitment, but eventually I became more interested in finding a life partner and so I guess my attitude to relationships changed. I think the question of HOW to be in one depends on what you want from it. If you’re looking for marriage, maybe it’s a matter of getting to know the other person and letting them get to know you… finding out what you both enjoy and have in common, and also what each other’s flaws are and whether you can live with them. For example, I can live with someone who has a bad temper but I couldn’t live with someone who sulks when he’s annoyed! Stuff like that…
> I am Middle Eastern because I'd prefer to meet someone of my culture and because I know I want to be married I have posted my profile on internet dating sites. Last year, I met someone on the site and we exchanged pictures and corresponded for almost a year by email, IM, and the phone. We met in Boston this past weekend and had a good time. But whenever I think about anything more I feel strangely disgusted and scared -- not with HIM per se, just REALLY SCARED. Can anyone else relate to the prospect of feeling scared about being with someone? I want to pursue things with this guy but after some years of frustration I always have a sinking feeling that it's not going to work. Please help me, all I can think about is what a freak I am.
What scares you? Is it the idea of physical intimacy, or emotional intimacy, or both, or something else? I don’t think you’re a freak… I think it’s natural to be scared, especially if you’re unsure about how a relationship might change your life.
Marriage often has particular meanings in particular cultures. Do you know any married women from your cultural background who you might ask how they felt about marriage when they were younger? I imagine you’d find some who felt a bit afraid.
Also, are you doing therapy? Therapy should help you explore your feelings and hopefully you’d come to feel less scared.
I hope that’s of some help.
Tamar
poster:Tamar
thread:576355
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/relate/20051031/msgs/576401.html