Posted by Racer on August 6, 2005, at 20:30:37 [reposted on August 8, 2005, at 3:25:21 | original URL]
In reply to Re: WHAT TO DO NEXT?????????, posted by spriggy on August 6, 2005, at 18:58:31
Sounds to me as though you're suffering what I suffer with my family: they still treat you like a child. My aunt will literally criticise my table manners in restaurants with other people around! (My manners are actually better than hers, by the way -- including my resisting the need to criticise others in public.)
I am a lot older than you are, and haven't found my way out of it yet. I have made progress, though.
First things first: they can't actually treat you like a child if you don't cooperate with them. So, don't engage. I know -- not only is it hard for you to break out of the pattern, but they will try very, very hard to suck you back into it. The more you avoid engaging, the better off you will all be. They'll be upset, if they're as whacked out as my family. They'll live.
Here's a story about my aunt: she always criticises my housekeeping. When I get depressed, things go to hell around here, and my husband does zero housework. Even when the house is very neat and much cleaner than hers, though, she will LOOK AROUND UNTIL SHE FINDS SOMETHING TO BE CRITICAL OF! I cured her of that, though. Every time she started to say something critical about the housekeeping, I'd tell her that she was welcome in my home, but if all she wanted to do was criticise, she could leave now. The first few times, I had to tell her to get out and start her towards the door before she believed me. She doesn't criticise anymore.
Before that, though, I used to tell her why it was messy, or try to point out all the clean things, or whatever. That was engaging with her in the whole game she played. By not engaging in it, I could normalize her behavior.
It's a work in progress. Especially since my mother will whisper compliments on the state of my housekeeping when Auntie is here -- rather than ever standing up for me in any situation regarding anyone in her family. Makes me grit my teeth.
Oh, well, if you were supposed to like 'em, they'd be called "friends," right?
Good luck.
poster:Racer
thread:539026
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/relate/20050724/msgs/539028.html