Posted by Corafree on April 17, 2005, at 14:21:44
In 1995 he left me. He said 'if you call the police one more time, I will leave.' It was 11 yrs of abuse which began 2 yrs after marriage @ the time I gave birth to him, a son. My girls were about the age of kindergarten time.
Today, I miss the nice home, the person who could make my dreams come true one day and destroy my mind the next beside me, the three children 'the loves of my life' down the hall. It wasn't just men that I have mistrusted since then, but all people. Once he had proved his physical control, my mind had weakened to where he could effect me w/ verbal abuse. My son was 12, daughters 18 and 19.
Today my son lives w/ him and through my son, now 20, my ex still controls my body (my devotion to caring for my body rocked) and my mind, as my son says 'shut up!', 'do you have to have someone w/ you every minute of every hour of every day?!'
I had never been exposed physical/verbal abuse, or to such child/parent communication that would go in that kind of living, so I always find it very difficult to react. Even today harsh hits and harsh words shock me in a strange way, they grab at my throat so feels I cannnot speak and 'freeze' my stomach, chest, heart, and soul in some kind of hold on my whole being.
As OJ, my ex thrives, and my son is @ his side, never missing me. My daughters each have another to give/take/breath in and breathe out life with/to/for together. They miss me neither.
As said above, I had no experience in this sordid way of living, and knew not that he was incorrect.
I trust no one, man or woman, ... I mean deeply, ya' know, where you can really feel it. So I will not start new male or female relationships as it is soooo a heavy load for me, just having had a the most terrifying physical breakdown in Feb/March(?). I maybe posted about it.
Yesterday 'rainydayman' (met in hospital when I feel ill @ prior divorce ... he there for same reason) 'lost it' here at my little rented condo w/ me. It was something about loving him like I used to and a song called 'black'. All I had invited him over for was to grocery shop and visit.
I don't know if he has fallen back into meth (I can usually smell chemical) or if he has not taken meds ... ; if ever a label should be used, it is his, manic/bi; manic jumps at you in eyes that stare right through you as words fly while you pray to God to help you not hear them all. If I am hurting anyone who is manic, I am sorry. To the one he was w/, me, yesterday, it is SO HUGELY RECOGNIZABLE, not too unlike amping except lacking the smell of chemical.
But he pounded the woven steel on my bar until it wouldn't take much more than a crowbar to ruin its expensive 'sense of reassurance of safety', then put his fist through screen, ripping it half off my window - his voice was by the bathroom door where I was locked in, sitting w/ my hands over my ears. He trashed me and left.
This control robbery is so intense that it makes driving to the store or doing any errand difficult. Does anyone understand what I mean?
It feels like I am a little chlid again and I feel like I need someone to help me. I HATE IT! I KNOW WHAT IS GOING ON AND I KNOW I CAN DO THE THINGS, BUT WHAT IF I SCREW UP OR WHAT IF I CRY?!
Apologize for verbage, run-on sentences, improper definitions ... but maybe anyone get the just?
No family, no friend, no neighbor, and no therapist it being Sunday ... need some support. I read somewhere that God gives extra strength to those who help another person who has a chronic case of 'brokenness' (a word to describe it pulled out of my head, thinking it's time for another 'label', or maybe it is PTSD).
My meds are right on, thank God. My computer was being attacked so paid for virus update and got some spyware, so can still visit w/ you all. I still have my earplugs in - it is noon. Last night did call the police and filed a report about the damage to door and screen on window. Keep earplugs in until I feel strong enough to hear the sound of laughter outside my home. Am going for a cup of frangelica coffee and a smoke. Hope to hear back from maybe some of you.
love, cf
poster:Corafree
thread:485479
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/relate/20050325/msgs/485479.html