Posted by bamboomz on December 29, 2004, at 20:54:36
I always find it incredible how everyone is so supportive on this website. It is amazing how you can pretty much post anything about how you feel and where your coming from and you will most definately get a response, some advice and a ton of support from so many different people everywhere.
Lately, I have complained too much abut how I feel and no-one around me wants to hear it anymore. I guess thats what therapy is for right? Unfortunately, finding affordable therapy is a long drawn out process so I just have the drugs to make me feel better and I guess this website - but I think the drugs are making me feel worse.
I want to tell my story, how I ended up where I am now, here typing, feeling anti-social, sorry for myself, weird and sad.
2 years ago, (almost to the day) I discovered that I was pregnant. The father of the child and I had been seeing each other for approximately 2 months. I was 24 years old, was attending night school in the hopes of starting University in September, had just broken up and moved out of my ex-boyfriends house, and wham! Pregnant. So that began 9 months of hell. I threw up almost everyday. My job was very uncaring of my situation (I worked in a camera store) And my boyfriend flipped back and forth between being there and not really being there.
I moved in with my boyfriend 2 months before the due date. Those 2 months were quiet and nice. We spent all our time together, discovered more about each other and prepared for the baby's arrival.
August 7, 2003 - my son Nolan was born. It was the happiest day of my life. He was this perfect little person. I instantly fell in love and all the barfing, the sacrifices, the pain, it was all so worth it.
The first few weeks at home were really hard. My boyfriend had extreme pain with his sciatic nerve and was on the floor unable to walk, doped up on strong painkillers. I had the baby blues and was recovering from chilbirth and then the damn power went out (I'm from Toronto) for 4 days. It was a tough time.
Nolan grew older, my boyfriend started to go out again (hockey and beer at the neighborhood bars) I started to get used to being a mother and caring for our son 24/7. When Nolan was 6 months old, I started to have problems with anxiety. I coulden't sleep at night, I was terrified with the idea that I would eventually die and I would lie awake at night fearing the thought of death and my existence. I was also convinced that my boyfriend was cheating on me. (he wasent't) I would hack into his e-mail, read his journals, smell his shirts when he came home from the bar. Craig and I fought a lot during this period and there was one night when he didn't even come home at all. The anxiety eventually passed and life continued as usual.
This past summer was a mess. Craig and I fought constantly. He was drinking and going out often. He becoming sarcastic and surly with me. I became angry and depressed. I started to drink as well (not nearly as much) There were a few nights where I got really wasted and paid for it the next morning. Everything built up to a explosive fight on August 28th when we almost broke up. Since then, we have been trying to make it work, treating each other better, being supportive and loving at times.
My real depression began in September, my life became more stressful. I am working in a daycare part time where I bring my son with me. I go to school 2 nights a week (I want to be a teacher) and I take care of Nolan full time. I started to become extremely tired, irritable, foggy headed, sad. I'm sure you all know the symptoms.... they last all month but are usually the worst a few days before my period. So now, (I've got to sum this up it's getting way to long) I've been on Celexa for the past 2 1/2 weeks. It makes me feel numb and more sad.
Right now I feel scared and alone. I am afraid of these drugs but at the same time, I am so fed up with feeling bad. I just keep hoping that soon, they will work. I am also tired of constanly obssessing over how bad I feel and how these drugs are interacting with my brain. My depression makes me think in such negative, melodramatic ways. I feel like I am 15 again.
So here I am, typing your thoughts out seems to help. I feel a bit lighter now. I guess I really need therapy. Drugs alone are definately not enough....
poster:bamboomz
thread:435505
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/relate/20041223/msgs/435505.html